Bagger's Pot O' Dumb Thoughts

Insanity

2006-09-07T22:23:00.000-04:00

I sit down to write this and I think to myself: I don't want to write anything.

Things just get worse. I feel like I'm disconnecting more and more everyday from the people around me.

There's a part of me that keeps saying "It's them...THEY are the ones who are changing, not you!" But reality tells me that if I see everyone else changing and I feel that I'm staying the same...it's probably the exact opposite.

There are days when I'm just ANGRY. Angry for no apparent reason. Or one little thing will piss me off. Days when I can have fun with everyone and then seconds later, shut all of it down.

I have a female friend (always a woman, right?), who, I'm positive, is mind-fucking with me. Saying little things here and there that might lead me to think she's headed down one path, but leaving juuuuust enough leeway there to bail at any moment and leave me holding the "I dunno why you would think I was going there" rod in my hand. Even my friend G, is worried that this girl is gonna use me up and hurt me.

And I keep saying that I'm keeping my defenses up...that she and I are just friends, nothing more. And I do believe that. Mostly. I discussed the whole thing (G concerned that I will be hurt) with my workout buddy, and he says "She obviously means enough to you that you're even bringing it up. You obviously care about her...maybe more than you're willing to admit." And he's probably right.

Yet, to look at her, to talk to her, to know things about her...I know she's trouble.

And I know, that with all the weird emotional things that I've been feeling the past couple of months, and how completely unstable I feel in my own mind, that I should probably just walk away from this girl. That I should just walk away from alot of things.

But walking away will only cover up the problems temporarily.

ugh. I'm going to see two different Therapists next week. To see which one I might like the best. I can't even begin to tell you how much I need it. Someone needs to help put me back on track. Put me back to those das where I felt good and happy almost EVERYDAY. Not the once or twice a week (or less) that I feel it now.

Fuck. Sometimes I just wish I could live in a bubble. Where I don't know how anything I do affects anyone and all I care about is my own simple stupid joy.

You're watching a man break.

Karma

2006-07-31T01:55:00.000-04:00

So since it's been forever since I posted anything...lots of things in my life changed. And lots stayed the same.

I almost died from having my wisdom teeth removed. That was fun.

I've gone out on a couple dates with women from an online dating service.

I had a major job offer that I turned down.

And Karma never ceases to amaze me.

I'm constantly surprised at how often I've been recently thinking about how certain actions I'm taking are Karma-fucking myself.

Karma-fuck: When your negative actions cause Karma to bring negative back on you.

I even recently said to G, after she made a semi-harsh comment on a co-worker that we believe will be getting the axe, that when I participate, I worry that I'm Karma-fucking myself and that I think I need to back off that...cuz I wouldn't want someone to be doing that to me behind my back. She agreed and kinda felt the same way.

I mean, if I'm honest here...I don't wanna see bad shit happen to anyone. We're all human, we all have emotions, and hearts, and feelings. And when you cultivate that negative energy, I don't think it goes away. And I think you become an easy target for it down the road. On the flip side, I know that growth can be painful at times. And sometimes you have to break the dying leaves off the plant for new ones to grow. It's harsh, but true.

I also believe that some of the most devastating situations can make you a much better person than you ever imagined...If you're willing to see it and learn from it.

And there comes a time, when if you are willing to see things clearly, the road you will soon be traveling on (your future), is easily in sight.

All you need is patience, positive energy, and the willingness to believe that all things happen for a reason.

B

Some surveys are total BS

2006-02-16T21:20:00.000-05:00

One of my friends sent me a stupid survey. Occasionally, I get in the mood to take them.

I took "What Does Your Candy Heart Say?"

The results:

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.
A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.

Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people

Your flirting style: 100% natural

What turns you off: serious relationship talks

Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

What abosolute Bullshit.

I rarely ever have a "Hot Date" though I don't always try to meet them.

I can be charming at times...but "High Demand"? Hardly.

Multiple dates on Valentine's Day? Maybe.

If my flirting style is 100% natural, it's news to me. I have to work at flirting. I also have to work at not looking like a weird creepy guy when I do it.

Serious relationship talks CAN turn me off. At this point in my life at least.

I'm Hot because I'm addicting? I don't see any Bagger Anonymous groups anywhere...

Jeezus surveys are dumb.

Of course, I'm dumber for taking the damn thing.

B

More MySpace Fun!

2006-02-14T09:02:00.000-05:00

Wow...she responded to my weird ass diatribe.

I love it ! u r great lol , u put a smile on my face for the day ! u seem like a really cool person! I love people that can make me laugh;) My suhi spot of choice is T****** Best ! So what area r u in? What do u like to do in your spare time ?

C

Ok, granted, when I'm on IM, I don't always spell things out completely. But in e-mails, I almost always do. It worries me slightly when a 26 y/o female writes "r u" instead of "are you"...but then, I could just be heading down that path of Old Fogeydom. Get those damn kids off my lawn!

Soooo anyway...I decided to see how far I can take this. I responded with this:

Funny... I AM a really cool person...despite what was said about me on Drudge Report. _Always_ announce yourself when hunting Quail...That way you don't get shot in the face with buckshot.

Whew...stretching now.

I'm in ********* now. For about 9 months, I was making that trek from ****** to ******...Absolutely killer. 100 miles. Roundtrip. A day. And after a while, you genuinely expect a response when you yell "MOVE YER GOD DAMN CAR!!!" I knew I needed to move closer to work.

In my spare time, I like to hunt Wild Boar and do free-form woodworking. Every once in a while, I have to take a shift of entering this tedious code into a computer every hundred or so minutes and spend the rest of the time just hanging out in the hatch...

Wait, that's not me...That's Locke on "Lost."

I'm a work-a-holic, so if I'm not doing that, I'm out with friends or at home trying to relax. I've been wanting to lace back up my skates for a while now, but it just hasn't felt like Winter. Until this past weekend.

What about you? How do you fill the minutes in between listening to bitchy patients and taking orders from doctors who drive better cars than you (pure assumption there)?

Also, I saw that you're a Bi. Is that real? Or is that a crafty little way to get attention from boys who think they're studly enough to take on two women when in reality, they barely know how to satisfy themselves? ***

Random thought: Does anyone ACTUALLY watch Skating with Celebrities? Is Bruce Jenner's income REALLY that low? Is it sad that I know that Bruce Jenner is on that show?

Well...Fantastical.

b

Ok...any normal person should read that and think "Holy shit, what is this guy on?" and ignore me. We'll see if there's any kind of response.

B

*** She seriously lists herself as Bi. Most guys would be all over that. Not me. I ain't into the Bi/Gay game (not that there's anything wrong with that). But I truly believe that most women who are "Bi" are just truly attention whores and know that by saying that they are, and occasionally making out with a chick, and if they're REALLY drunk, having some fantastic finger fun, they'll get a ton more attention from guys who might normally never pay them any mind.

And you wonder why I don't get dates?

2006-02-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

See...I'm one of three things with women...

a) Over-zealous
b) A squishable lug
c) Pertrified

So often times, I can completely screw up any chace with a girl within the first 20 seconds by some of the stupid shit that comes out my mouf. Here's a perfect example.

Randomly, I got a message from this girl on MySpace:

Hey i just wanted to say hi ! i browsing around and your profile caught my eye:) U r really cute ;) Your daughter is beautiful too ! Ok well if u have time get back to me ... Have a Good weekend

~C~

She's not bad looking...kinda cute. Though there's a few pics on her page that made me go "yipes." Out of 10, she's a 5.5. With the potential to be a 6.5 on good days.

But what the hell...a new friend is a new friend...and a date is a date (if you can get it...it's always good practise).

So I decided to write back...

And that's where things go horribly wrong. Before I say anything else, here's my reply to her:

Thank you for the compliment about my girlie. She's the coolest ever and so beautiful...of course, every parent thinks their kid is the prettiest. And we all know that in some cases, that just ain't true. I've always wondered what parents of ugly kids say...Is it: "My Junior is so...ummm...full of personality...and other things"?

Hey there random thought. Thanks for coming out tonight.

I see you're in N******...over there behind The A*****. Used to live in that area. Right at the corner of ****** blvd and ********. That area is really nice. There's no other point to these couple of sentences other than to show I read your profile and to make that weird connection that some people do when they don't know a whole lot about each other so it's like idle conversation. But without speaking. Unless you say the words as you type. Then that's awkward.

I read you like Sushi. Where do you go for good stuff? I used to hit this place in ****** called Sushi ****. The BEST Sushi on the planet. Er, maybe that's too much. I haven't exactly visited every sushi place on the planet. I'm sure they have better sushi in Japan. Them being Japanese and all. Ahhhhh Sooooooo.

Too much? I went to far with that one.

I'll bet when you first typed a note to me, you never expected this kind of response.

Happy Presidents Day!

b

See what I mean? This girl will have one of three responses:

a) Find me charmingly witty
b) Say "Weirdo" outloud, then wonder where there's no decent guys left.
c) Delete her MySpace account in complete fear.

I need smooth classes. No, I need practise. Spend time, see what works, what doesn't work. Maybe take a hammer to the head to knock loose all the stupid stuff in my noggin that makes me...umm...stupid...and stuff.

B

Does she like you? The Butt Index

2005-11-21T08:01:00.000-05:00

This has been a working theory of mine for a while, so, while not all of the "but"'s have been worked out (pardon the pun), it's pretty close to accurate.

I've always been bad at reading signals from women. I just suck at it. Thinking she's into me when she wants to be friends, thinking she's flirting when she's "like that with everyone"...if you've been there, then you know what I'm talking about.

And face it, we've ALL been there.

But I think I cracked a code.

I've figured out that how a woman hugs you good night, will tell you everything you need to know about her interest.

Hugs...not just for copping a cheap feel anymore!

You ready?

You’re gonna die when I tell you how obvious it is…

Butt placement.

Where a woman puts her pelvic area when she hugs you good night, will tell you almost everything you need to know.

For a long time, I thought women hugged me the way they did because of how big I was. I figured they were trying to give me “belly room.” But once I started to drop weight and “belly room” became less of a factor, I realized that certain women hugged me funny.

Why were some women were sticking their butts out when hugging me?

I have this friend, L, who I’ve always flirted with and she back. I SWORE that there was something there, but I always got the “friends” response. Then one night, I was at her place for a party. We had been flirting heavy all night. She even made the comment “You’re going to be making me breakfast in the morning.” So, natch, I stuck around til the end of the night.

I’m the last person there, and I’m trying to be smooth but not getting any kind of response out of her. She stands up and says “I hate to do this, but I gotta get up in the morning, so…” and taking the not-so-subtle hint, I stood up and said goodnight. She leaned in for a hug…and her butt was sticking way out when she did it.

I felt a little pissed and led-on as I left. But on the drive home, I kept thinking back to the hug. It felt so odd.

Picture this: Her shoulders and top of chest are up against mine, her butt is sticking way out. If I were to have looked down, there was probably 18 inches of space between the tips of her toes and mine. Meaning her back was probably angled out at 20-30 degrees.

I went to bed that night thinking that there was something to the way she hugged me.

Fast-Forward a couple years…I’ve been hugged many many many times since then and slowly pieced together a theory.

I’m out for cocktails with a few friends from work. One male co-worker really digs another female co-worker. Everyone at the table knew he was into her (including her). Those two talked almost exclusively the entire night (a fact I jokingly brought up to one of the females in attendance). The girl got up to say good night to everyone, he stood up too. She leaned over to him and hugged him goodnight. It was a long hug. Long enough for me to say to the female I joked with earlier “Oh, he’s the Mayor of Friendsville and doesn’t realize it.”

Joking girl said “What do you mean?”

“How far out a girl’s butt sticks when she hugs you good night, is in direct proportion to how she feels about you.”

Joking girl took a long pause, then said “How did you find out about that?”

I looked at her with a smile and said “I figured out a secret, didn’t I?”

She hesitantly nodded.

So now, let’s break it down…

First off, women are very smart and can pick up on whether you’re into them or not. If you’re not into them, but they want you to be, they will pull a couple of sly moves.

They will pull you directly into their chest. They want you to feel how their breasts feel against you. They’ll also position their arms in such a way that you have no choice to put your hands at the small of their back (subsequently pulling their pelvic area into yours). Their body language is screaming “Hey dummy, this would be better if neither of us were wearing clothes.”

But women typically are the ones who are chased and never need to pull something like that. So then, let’s deal with the women who you are into.

When going in for the good night hug, if her pelvic area is angled out 20-30 degrees away from you with the top part of her chest and shoulders against yours, she likes you as a friend. Her body language says “You can be close to my heart in friendship, but you won’t come close to my goodies.”

If her pelvic area is between 5-20 degrees away from you, she still sees you as a friend, but there could be more. Her body language says “I feel like I can be close to you and trust you…but you’ve still got a ways to go.”

This can also be the girl who you will invite over to your place after a night of partying, who will sleep in your bed, but “just want to cuddle.” She will use your attraction to her for her own gain. She will typically read you as a “gentleman” or “doormat”.

If her pelvic area is up against yours, with no separation, she sees you as a potential mate. She also trusts you deeply. Her body language says “Look how close I’m willing to be with you.”

There is one caveat with this last index. If you’re in this situation, you may not be all the way home. There’s another index that only comes into play when there is no pelvic separation. I call it the “Small talk index”. You’ve been here before. Very close hug, lingers a little longer than normal…you think she’s just as into you and you are her. But like I said, women are smart. They know you’re thinking that. So, they normally will lean back to make a little small talk before coming back in for a follow-up hug.

The “Small talk index” also has a distance measurement. Her hips might stay right up against yours, but when she leans back, if her arms (while her hands are still at your shoulders or arms) come out to full extension, you’re still in “Friendsvlle.” She just feels really close to you, but her arms push her far enough away that if you were to go in for a kiss, she’s got time to react. She’s also put herself into a position, that were you to try to kiss her, it would be difficult and awkward for you.

If her arms stay bent, and she’s within a 8-12 inches of your face, she wants a lot more than she’s actually willing to say.

If she’s within 2-7 inches…for god’s sake, kiss her, you pansy! She came in 90%, you have to go in for the last 10%.

See how obvious it all is? But yet, we almost never figure it out because of how stealthy women can be.

Women will ALWAYS give you the right signs, but it’s up to you to interpret them correctly.

Now, there are other factors that I’m still working on:

“Chair hugs” – you’re sitting in a chair while she hugs you

“Sidewinder hugs” – hugs that came at you from the side or an awkward angle

And a few more.

But this should get you started on identifying the right good night hugs from the ones that will drive you crazy.

Ho friggin hum--redux

2005-10-06T21:21:00.000-04:00

So I'm at this weird point.

I'm bored senseless.

Seriously.

This week has probably been the worst.

So far this week, my alarm goes off at 5am for me to get up and go to the gym. I shut it off and wake up about 3 hours later. Then I piddle around my apartment for an hour...not really DOING anything.

I go to work. Do a bit of mindless crap, a couple of meetings, surf the web, maybe START a project, surf the web some more, get bored, have lunch. Surf the web while eating lunch. Finish. Surf the web some more. Work a little more on my project, get bored with it, go for a stroll. Blow some time by chatting with a co-worker...

You get the picture.

And the entire time, I keep thinking "I wanna go home to my cool new apartment!"

Then I get here. And I'm bored again.

I've still got stuff to unpack. I have maybe 4 or 5 boxes of office stuff I need to go through and organize, but that's mind-numbing to me. So I surf the net. But I get bored with that too.

Maybe it's cuz I don't have a couch.

When I walk into my apt., I think "Sweet! 10 minutes later and I'm home!" Then I see my patio chair that's serving as an ass holder until I have enough $ for a couch and I feel SO let down.

I try to watch TV on it, but it's so un-comfy!

And even though I've got a TON of TV shows recorded on the DVR...I haven't watched them. I just feel like I could be doing something better with my time.

But when I walk away from it, I really don't wanna do the other stuff either.

Which leaves me with nothing. And boredom.

Like right now. I could be vacuuming. Or organizing. Or marinating my thawed chicken in the fridge. Or doing laundry. Or searching for fun stuff to do with my wee one this weekend.

But I'm not. Cuz I'm bored.

And what really sucks...When I haven't gotten stuff done, and I NEEDED it to be done, I have no excuse.

BTW: Everybody Hates Chris sucks. Don't let anyone fool you.

B

Pt 3--Follow up

2005-10-03T22:07:00.000-04:00

Some follow up to below.

I'm now much more calm about everything. Yeah I was genuinely pissed last night. But, as always, gimme 24 hours to think it through and I'll be good.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed about what happened, but I can deal with it now. It's not gonna make me bitter.

I told a couple of people about it and the reactions were on the opposite ends of the spectrum. The reason I bring it up is because it fascinates me how their distinct personalities reflected in their opinions.

I gave them both abbreviated versions of what happened.

G is a J.A.P. in every sense of the word (sans being asian). Very much a Princess and has no problem with that label. I made her feel shallow one day because I asked about her clothes. Everything she wore was designer and expensive. She got over the shallow feeling quickly.

Her reaction was quite simple. She thought it was funny, felt bad for me, and said "At least you're finding out now and not down the road after you've wasted a lot of time on her."

K is Asian (sans being a J.A.P.). She has some serious self-esteem issues. This is a woman, who 6 weeks ago talked things over with her live-in boyfriend, and they mutually decided it was time to move on from each other. He still hasn't moved out and she won't kick him out.

Her reaction was quite complex. She thought I should give her the benefit of the doubt. To not be so hard on her...give her a 2nd chance. Maybe she really was sick. Maybe she signed on for a moment and then went back to bed without turning off her AOL.

See the comparison?

Here's what I drew from both...it's about RESPECT.

G would not take that crap from any boy. Disrespect her once, and you're done.

K will allow you to walk all over her time and again without ever standing up for herself.

I was hesitant to delete my no-show's number from my cel. She might call to offer an apology.

I was hesitant to delete her off my buddy list, because once I calmed down, I might be willing to give her one more try.

I was hesitant to delete her messages to me on MySpace for the same reason.

This morning, before I had even talked with G or K, I deleted her out of my life.

After talking with G & K, I'm glad I did.

I deserve RESPECT. End of story.

B

WTF is wrong with me? (pt3 in a series)

2005-10-02T20:02:00.000-04:00

So I'm finally all moved into my new apartment and completely out of my old one (though I'm still waiting for my deposit back). About two days before I moved out, I got a note on myspace from a girl who asked if I wanted to chat (She lived in the town I was moving out of). So I replyed with some really Grade A funny stuff.

Now if you don't know me, sometimes you might take my "funny" the wrong way.

She never replied after a week.

So I wrote her again and said that hopefully she didn't take me the wrong way and I would really love to chat.

She wrote back something about having a bad week and not really having the time to reply.

I wrote her back...and again waited a week and a half with no response.

Finally, gave her a simple "Hope things are well" type of note.

She responds back that she got a spider bite and had been in the hospital for a week (even though, during that week the "online now" icon was on under her profile more than a couple times). She apologizes and hits me with her AOL s/n.

We occasionally had IM convos. The last couple we had showed some real promise. We're both looking for the same thing...Some common interests...

Oh, I should also mention that she IM'ed me on Wednesday with her phone # and said I should call sometime.

Friday night, we're having an IM convo and I ask if she'd like to catch the NFL game at (a local bar near where she lives). She's into it. She asks that I call her that morning to make sure everything is still on, because her Daughter frequently calls and asks to come home early from her Dad's. I said sure.

(Red flag #1...She's giving herself a way out. I can understand that. Meeting a stanger and all, but taking my couple of on-line experiences with her into mind, the word "Flaky" comes to mind.)

I also tell her that my head is shaved...the pics she's seen is with me having hair...hope that's not an issue. She seemed a touch bit hesistant, but I reassured her that was the only difference.

(Sidebar: I can't tell you how many experiences I've had where a woman says to me before meeting "Oh, I should tell you, I (weigh 400 lbs / have VD / am missing an arm). I hope that's not a problem." I've been there. In retrospect, I probably shouldn't have brought it up, but I didn't want her to look for one thing, and get another)

So I was looking forward to our meet-up. Went out and bought a new shirt and jeans, got my eyebrows waxed (that story later, ugh), and tried to gussy myself up. I was excited. Meeting a new friend...maybe more.

So this morning rolls in and I go work out with my trainer. Little butterflys hopping around in my tummy. On my way back from the workout, I call her, as promised. No answer, I leave a message. In my brain, I think "I never gave her my number, so she doesn't know it's me on her caller id. No big." An hour later, no callback. Two hours later, no callback (Red Flag #2).

I leave to meet her, no callback. (Red Flag #3)

At this point, I'm getting the feeling I may be getting stood up.

I show up to the bar -on-time- she's not there. Wait 10 minutes, pull up to the bar, order a beer. Still trying to play it cool.

20 minutes...nothing.

At 30 minutes, I call her. No answer, leave a quick message.

At 40 minutes, I order another beer and enjoy NFL...but deep down, I'm seething.

At 55 minutes, I feel like a complete ass and leave.

Drive the hour back home. Embarrassed and Pissed.

Now...almost 5 hours later, I'm Embarrassed, Pissed, and Depressed.

I have NEVER been stood up in my life. EVER.

So I just IMed her. She said she's been really sick all day and she called her Daughter early to see if she was ok, then shut her phone off and has been in bed all day and completely forgot. I told her "I hope you feel better soon." She then said shehad gone out to dinner last night to celebrate her step-dad's birthday and had felt sick ever since.

I signed off without responding.

Hmmmm, been in bed all day? Funny, AIM says you've been signed on for 7 hours. Must not have felt THAT bad.

Liar.

Here's a quote from her AOL profile: "Marital Status: well i'm back on the market again guys.....tired of dating children, are there any REAL men out there?"

Yeah, there are. You just blew him off.

A Matter of Time

2005-08-15T22:15:00.000-04:00

Ok ok ok...I know it's been a while since I've updated. I'm moving.

Or at least I'm in the process of it.

And I know I said I would comment on all the stuff in my last post...and I will. Later.

But first, I gotta tell you about the funniest thing that I saw this weekend.

My good friends B & S invited me out to a party that their neighbor was throwing on Saturday. There would be Crabs and Beer and Good Times. So after painting the new place all day, I cleaned up and drove up there.

Am I the only one who thinks it's weird to be invited to someone's house, that you don't know, ring the doorbell, and when they answer you say "HI! I'm B's friend, B. I'm here for your food and beer!" Uncomfortable to say the least...but luckily I caught S on her way over, so I walked with her.

After the introductions, I ate me some crabs...only two...there's only so much cutting and scraping and shucking I can handle (YUCK!).

I drank me a couple beers. Then...

The guys started breaking out the amps and guitars and tamborines and bongos and started playing old Southern Rock and oldies tunes. Sweet Home Alabama...Freebird...all that crap. Even some Beatles in there.

Then things started to get weird. The guys got drunker and they would yell at each other. Playing the wrong notes...Singing off-key (they were ALL off-key)...Not knowing the words...Tossing beer bottles into the woods...More yelling...

Seen this movie before?

Yeah ya have.

Sling Blade. Mmmmm hmmmm.

At about that time, B & S wave me to go inside with them. I thought they were saving me from the madness. No. The wife of the owner of the house took us to the garage. While all the kids are sitting in the living room watching a Bratz movie (oh yeah...there were kids there), we "fired up."

I took a small half-assed hit because I had to drive and I don't like driving after doing that. I end up feeling like I'm in the video game Pole Position. Just tryin to stay between the white lines and not drive into any billboards.

So, a punk-ass hit to make everyone happy...It had very little effect. B & S though...they took a few healthy hits.

It's funny to see people you like and respect "fire up." I knew they did it, but I'd never seen them do it. And that changes the perspective.

So B & S and their friends are also big on Tequila. To the point they buy really GOOD expensive Tequila. When's there's a party, peeps end up doing shots. I try to stay away from it, because if you're not careful, it's a real quick way to end your fun times. But B & S brought over their good bottle of Tequila. Some fancy pants $40 a bottle clear Tequila.

Me and B are in the living room discussing our jobs (him high, me not), when S walks over with a shot glass and hands it to him. He declines, he's already not feeling great from the 4 margaritas and 12 or so crabs and the green. S says "No...c'mon...one shot...You'll love it...Trust me." The last part she said with a cock-eyed look. B notices this too so he downs the shot. He scrawls his face up, looks at me, then to his wife and says...

"What the fuck!?! This is watered down!"

Yup. One of their kids (Boy 17, Girl 19) has been drinking the Tequila...and then watering it down thinking they won't notice.

Seriously, I think I peed a little bit from laughing so hard.

I mean, do kids really still do that? I thought the'd be all "F YOU! Yeah I drank it! What are you gonna do about it!?!" Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe today's kids ARE as stupid as they used to be. Just with worse haircuts and more piercings.

Anyway, here's B & S...trying to have a serious conversation with each other about which of their kids drank the Tequila and then thought that they would be so stupid as to not notice the watered down-ness...And they're having this serious convo -- STONED!

OMG...pure. comedy. gold.

Of course, they eventually looked at me and said "Hey, don't laugh...you're a parent too."

Touche'.

More on everything else later.

B

Hmmmm

2005-08-04T21:28:00.000-04:00

You ever have one of those times in your life, where things happen, you roll with the flow, and when everything is done, you sit back and ask "What the fuck just happened?"

I'm at that point right now.

So much to talk about...T leaving...Moving...My 2 day "guest"...My own admitted assholishness...

If I had had the time last week, I would have posted about the stupid drama of T leaving. I didn't deal with it as well as I could have.

And the non-motivation to pack my shit for moving...

And my guest that I had the sex with (and how I feel about it)...

I still need to sort some of this shit out. More to come shortly.

The good news is; The Long Dry Season has come to an end.

B

Liars and Trust: Pt III - The Talk

2005-07-20T00:43:00.000-04:00

I did it. We had the talk.

Came back from dinner, smoking cigars out on the dock. I just said "Dude, we need to talk...and you're not gonna wanna hear this...But I hope you understand."

And Talk we did.

Probably about three hours or so.

I laid it all out on the line. You're making a mistake, I'm not sure I buy what you're telling me happened with your "breakdown," Your wife is making you mental.

I basically felt that I either had to cut the line, or suffer more.

And I can't take anymore of this act.

I hit him point by point. Issue by Issue. Some he had valid defense for, some he did not. The ones he didn't, he readily admitted. I was happy about those points.

The rest all comes down to one simple thing: Location.

He knows things are getting worse with his wife. He knows that this may not be the best -or- right move. He knows he's about to become the star of "AssFucked - A Movie about Credit." But he's making the move because it's easier for him to deal with if he has some sort of base.

That base is his Father. His Father lives in the new town he's moving to. He can get more help and support from his Dad. And that support is unconditional. Something he admits, that he can't expect from me. I may be a friend, but I can only give so much. Especially considering the way my own life has played out.

We talked a lot. His reasonings make sense. That's not to say that I agree with them, but like I said before, I'll support him.

And I do.

Even when he's feeding me lines of bullshit and telling whoppers of stories...I'll still be there.

But on my home tonight, I had a bit of a new realization.

My friend is leaving. I won't have anyone here to hang with anymore.

I'm looking around at all the people I work with and think: None of you know me. And those of you that think you do, completely misunderstand me.

Sure, everyone seems pretty cool. Some I wouldn't mind hangin with...But it would take a long time for them to really get to know me well enough to trust them. If not time, then some intense friendship moments. I dunno if anyone is willing to have that here. Hell, I don't know if I'M willing to have that with anyone here.

God damn. I'm becoming mental.

This is so utterly depressing. Yet, I don't want pity friendships either. I'd rather have nothing than to have that.

I just need a break. Some head clearing time.

This whole thing is washing around in my head. Fuck.

B

Liars and Trust: Pt II

2005-07-16T00:35:00.000-04:00

So...the problem seems to be taking care of itself. But I don't feel any better about it.

My Friend has accepted a job in a different city. He'll be leaving at the end of the month.

On the one hand, I'm sad he's leaving...On the other, I'm glad he's leaving.

I knew coming here and working with him, I would have to take the good with the bad...But I'm now even further convinced that my buddy has lost his marbles.

While his new job comes with a bit more prestige, it's also in a smaller town. Smaller town means smaller paycheck.

30 GRAND SMALLER!

I almost fell out of my chair when he told me this.

Note the date and time. I am making a proclamation:

HE WILL REGRET MAKING THIS MOVE WITHIN 12 MONTHS. HE WILL LEAVE AROUND 18 MONTHS.

I KNOW him. He's gonna be miserable. He's already in serious financial trouble right now, has to file bankruptcy, has to pass a drug test, and has to move a HUGE distance with NO money.

Worst part is, he's going to work for a good friend of his.

Oh...He's fucked.

That NEVER works out.

Thing is, before he leaves, I'll probably tell him this because I feel like he would do the same for me. We have that understanding..."Listen, this needs to be said. After that, I'll support you in whatever you decide."

And I will. And we'll go back to the type of friendship we had for a long time. Where we talked once every 6-8 months. If that. And he'll continue to get more delusional. I even told my Ex tonight that I thought he was losing it. She pointed to his (also crazy and delusional) wife and said, "You stick around that long enough and you'll pick up some of the traits."

Truer words were never said. Especially by the woman I deperately needed to get away from before I became something I didn't like.

I'm still not happy about any of this. I still need to see a Doc. I think I'm growing a very hard edge to me that is going to (if it hasn't already) start driving people away. It's my "I won't put up with your bullshit" attitude...cranked to 11. So that sometimes, even when I say something positive, people hear it as a negative.

Part of me says: Fuck 'em.

But the other part says: Do that, and live a very lonely life.

Ugh. Glad I have my wee one for the weekend. She's already started to keep my brain off all this crap.

B

Liars and Trust

2005-07-13T23:34:00.000-04:00

In my past, I've had several people ask me why I'm so harsh. Why I act so mean or callous or flippant. Why I can so easily walk away from someone without giving it a second thought.

Simple. I have trust issues.

I hate to put it that way because it sounds like I'm quoting a therapist. But it's true. I really can't trust anyone.

Rule #1 with me: Don't Lie to me.

I can understand the occasonal tiny white lie, the misdirection for purposes of privacy, and the slight exaggeration for the sake of a great story.

Most of those are okay. Acceptable under the right circumstances.

What pisses me off and breaks my trust with you is when one or all of the following happen:

You OVER-Exaggerate
You Lie because you think you can get away with it
I CATCH you in a lie you've told

I used to lie all the time when I was a kid. Lie about grades, friends, girlfriends (She lives in Canada, you don't know her), experiences...Anything. It didn't matter. I thought I was a master liar. The only times I ever got called out on it was from my Mom...and always because of my grades.

There was a point, one night, I was standing outside yakkin with co-workers, and I started to tell a story about something I'd done. I don't remember what it was about, but it was an outright lie. I had plots, twists, characters, the whole nine.

And it was all bullshit.

For some reason, this realization struck me WHILE I was telling the story, so I capped it and shut up for the rest of the time. Reflecting later, I started to wonder how many people KNEW I was full of shit and just never called me out on it. That thought REALLY bugged me. I don't want people looking at me and thinking "OK...HERE'S another Bagger whoppper." I want them to know that when I tell them something, it's the truth.

So I stopped lying. And people really find THAT harder to deal with. People have been coddled to for so long, they can't handle the honest, dirty truth.

If you have to ask if you look fat in those jeans...Whatever answer I give, I'm not coddling to you.

So, Rule #1: Don't Lie to Me. If you do, I'll pull away from our friendship. I probably won't confront you because it's not worth the time or drama.

The problem presents when the person that's doing the lying, is your best friend.

AND it's the worst kind of lying...the kind where you Lie, because you think you're getting away with it. Or, more directly, lying without a purpose.

I would rather someone tell me the harsh truth and me get pissed; than to lie, me catch you, and get 10x as pissed as I normally would.

Now, I'm in a quandry...I need to go see a shrink, because this isn't going to work it out on it's own and I have no one to talk to about this. I need an uninvolved third party.

My Boss comes to me to discuss a problem that my friend has gotten himself into. My friend is in the mental ward. He tells me we can have this convo "on the record, or off the record." He wanted to know what I knew...which at that moment, was less than him, because it was the first I'd heard of it. We discuss the situation a bit, but honestly, I don't know where to go with it. I'm all fluttered up.

I have a dedication to my Boss, but I also have a stronger dedication to my friend. But my friend needs serious help, and my Boss might be able to help him better than I can. And my friend has lied to me in the past. I really don't know what to do. Oh, and Boss doesn't want me to tell my friend that my Boss told me, becauseHe (They) were asked (by friend's wife) to keep it quiet.

So I chose not to do anything until more of this was straightened out and I got more info.

And that's when things got weirder.

Today, my Boss comes to discuss the problem more, to see if I got any more info, and to update me on what he knew. I knew nothing more than what I knew yesterday, I hadn't tried to call. He tells me that my friend is now out of the mental ward. It may have been an over blown admittance. Meaning, friend's wife flipped out and had him admitted when she should have been more rational about it.

You as confused as I am? Wait...it gets worse.

So friend is going to have a talk with his direct Boss, because Friend is on the verge of getting fired. Both Bosses are also worried about his Drug and Drink consumption (which also points fingers at me because I do both too...but on 1/16th of the scale and frequency that he does).

At the end of the day, I call my Friend. He answers...and tells me the weirdest story I've ever heard.

Yes, he had a breakdown. Wife admitted him to Hospital. He tells people in the Hospital that no one can know that he's there because ANOTHER co-worker has it out for him. So he's admitted to a Psych hospital UNDER A DIFFERENT NAME. Also, work was told he was in one hospital when he was really in a different one.

My Boss had earlier told me that Friend and his Boss at their meeting, were going to come up with solutions to alleviate the stress and pressure my Friend is under to make his work day more productive.

Friend tells me, that he and his Boss decide that, no matter what, he's done working here.

Wha? Where is all of these disjointed fucking stories coming from?

I've caught my friend in too many bold faced lies and exaggerations in the past. Many of which, I never called him out on. But he's my best friend...and they'e harmless lies, right? Who are they hurting?

Here's my theory. I think my friend, and his wife, are living in a world of delusion.

Serious. I think they're delusionary. Both of them.

I've got a million examples as to how I think my theory is correct, but they could all be simple misunderstandings.

I don't always remember EVERYTHING people say, and I sometimes confuse things in my head. But I can't be THAT wrong THAT often, can I?

I dunno, maybe it's me. This is why I need a shrink. It's why I don't trust anyone, because they can so easily break it without any concern over how it affects me.

And this is why I can walk away so easily. Just write them all off in my life. Footnotes in my book.

But then, what kind of friend would I be?

B

Time to be honest

2005-07-06T05:16:00.000-04:00

I really hate to admit this. I really do.

I think Martha Stewart is HOT.

Stop laughing. She's hot.

I am so crushing on Martha Stewart.

And I HATE John Stewart because of it

Ass!

So Martha gives an interview to Vanity Fair (when did THEY become a reputable news source? First Deep Throat, now this?) where she talks about life with her new ankle accessory.

Asked about the electronic monitoring device she must wear on her ankle she has complained repeatedly that it irritates her skin Stewart says she knows how to remove it.

"I watched them put it on. You can figure out how to get it off," she is quoted as saying. "It's on the Internet. I looked it up."

Gawd...She's Hot and GEEKY! And a bit of a rebel.

And then at the end of the story, I read this lil nugget:

She even laughs at a joke made by Jon Stewart of "The Daily Show" that she could make a shiv, or small blade, out of a lamb shank.

"He was talking about me after I left, and I have to say Jon Stewart is even better looking in person than he is on TV," Stewart says. "I have such a crush on him."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

No crushing on him! He has made oodles of cash whilst mocking you and your days of scorn. While I, HAVE NOT!

Ok, maybe just a little. But it was out of love! And peer pressure. Everybody else was doing it! I just wanted to fit in.

I HATE Apartment hunting

2005-07-05T21:28:00.000-04:00

I took today off of work so I could find a new place closer TO work so I could get MORE work done and not KILL myself on the way home every night.

Good plan, no?

Again...Let me state...

I HATE APARTMENT HUNTING!

Most times you're treated like a dumbshit. The rest of the time you're treated like plain ole' shit.

So I went to RentNet because, on there, I could search for places that are in close proximity to work...or the gym...or a really good bar...or that girl I've been meaning to stalk...or a good bar.

Fired it up on Firefox. Searched and searched for three hours. Had about 25 of them all lined up. Started printing them off...realized I was gonna kill my color cartridge in my printer with all the printing of pics and maps and puppies and whatsnot.

So I changed it between prints to just run B&W. HUGE friggin mistake!

Firefox and my printer went on strike. They became the French army, smoking cigarettes, looking at me snootily, and with a overdone french accent, saying: "Ehhhhh...How you American's say? Ehhhh....go fuck yourself, ehuh?"

And they laughed heartily letting out brie and wine farts as they did so.

Three hours work.

Le Poof!

I almost cried...Until I remembered a little thing called Ctrl-H.

Le History! Hu Hu Hu!

Granted, I had to go through every single stinkin pageview from RentNet...but it was worth it. Printed everything up (including directions) and I was GOLDEN!

Did I mention I finished at 2:30am today?

Yeah. 'Bout that...

Meeting with trainer at 8am. I'ma be tired by the end of the day.

*Click-FastForward* SO...hammer...OW! my!....lincoln logs...boobs... ...OW!.. ..can't drive.. ..CHICKENINMYPANTS!.. ...*Click-Stop*

*Click-Play*

After seeing a bunch of places that would barely qualify as "Ghetto Fab"...or even "Ghetto", I come across a place in a historic part of town. The bottom floor is rented out to nail salons, Subways, Dry Cleaners, etc and is within walking distance of a TON of shit. Only about 10 minutes from work. Nice place. Secure. Garage.

SCORE! Didn't fill out an app, but I probably will.

Went and saw a few more places that were okay.

I finally finished. Called my buddy T who really wanted me to check out this one area. It's like a little Cult community with it's own shops and area and townsfolk and shit. I priced one of the places and it was a couple hundred over my range, so I discarded it. T really wants me to go there. "THAT'S where you need to go." So, over the phone. He gives me directions. They're wrong. It goes like this:

T: What do you mean the road ends?

B: T--THE ROAD ENDED! It came to a T. This road is no more.

T: You're wrong!

B: HOW THE FUCK AM I WRONG? Should I just continue to drive where there is no road? How am I going to explain that to the cops? And then, how am I gonna explain the dead body in my trunk? HUH?

(Wait...We need to scratch the last part. Forget that)

So the road ended (AND THAT'S ALL! RIGHT!?!?!) T argued with me. Finally sent me around another way to get to where I needed to go. Hey...sure enough, the road has GOT to continue, because here it is! Again. WTF!?!

So I drive up to this mini Ruby Ridge and realize that it's brainwashing powers are too strong.

Must...Go...See...Apartments...

*Shakes head* Wait. It's after hours. There no one to show me around. Ok. Whew, I'm glad...that's...ov...So...pretty...

Beautiful landscaping...accent walls...stunning architecture...

Must live here...no matter what the cost...

Must give them all my money...

There's nothing wrong with Tom Cruise...he's a misunderstood genius who's done the research...Have you Matt?

War of the Worlds was a great movie...I'll see it again and again and again...

B...I've done my research on B. Have you, Matt? You're smug.

Moving, More Work, My Friends

2005-07-01T23:39:00.000-04:00

So I've lived in this apt. for almost a year and a half. In this city since 2001. I'm now about to move south to find something closer. I've stalled because of money, time, & laziness. Reverse that. Laziness, time, & money.

I just wanna make sure that I find a decent place. One close to work and the gym. Big factors for me. I'm going to re-start my search again this weekend. Monday, most likely, because I can look on-line Monday, then actually go see the places on Tuesday (I took a day off).

Then I came across this:

...my mom drove me to the apartment in her overstuffed Volvo and we found a parking place directly in front of the building. I'm secretly going through a phase where I believe in things like karma and "letting go," so this random piece of luck seemed important. I was concerned about using my new set of keys—Rita totally breezed through the explanation—but I didn't have to worry. A woman I'll call Mary opened the door and told me she lived there. The floor had recently been finished and the room now looked bright, spacious, and wonderfully out of my price range. Mary said I was the 17th person to arrive. Shortly after, a man banged up the stairs, carrying a laundry basket of shoes. He was the 18th. We had identical subleases, which clearly stated how much we had given ($2,850) to Rita—who had never lived in this apartment.

Ugh. That's why you never search for apts. or dates on Craigslist. The Psycho percentage is WAY too high! But it is fun as hell to read.

But time has been such a bitch this past week. I wish I'd have stayed more focused. And I wish I hadn't have caused a rift between me a co-worker/friend.

FWIW--I can't apologize. I won't. I did what I had to do. Business is business. That's hard and mean and callous, but it's also the truth. If you took it personally, I ask that you take a step back. I don't let my personal opinions of people conflict with my professional views of them. I can't. If I did, I wouldn't have many friends at all. I'm not mad at you. I would hope you're not mad at me. I don't wanna douse the flame of what I saw as a really good friendship that could grow to be a great one.

Even though you knit. ;)

Can't believe I just put a smiley in my blog. How homo.

I must find a way to man up this entry now.

Hmmm...

Much better.

Have a safe friggin 4th of July!

B

Yeah...See...About that...

2005-06-23T22:39:00.000-04:00

Ok. I admit it. I suck.

It's been almost two weeks since I wrote. TWO WEEKS.

But at least I'm not as bad as Alexa, who got a truck load of nasty comments, cracked a little because of it, and slowly the posts went away, until there was nothing. I still keep the bookmark, because I hope she comes back at some point. No, it wasn't some sort of Turn on thing...I just like reading about the intricacies of someone else's (supposedly) intriguing life.

I've also been reading Tucker Max's stories. I'd never heard of him until he was linked to from somewhere else that I read. The guy is fucking insane. And brilliant. Everytime I go to his site, I learn more about him. He is truly an awesome individual.

But, I've had so much to say...just not enough time to say it. I had this great idea about a post of things that I've said recently that have made people really uncomfortable. Like when I told the Manager of the bar downstairs from work that to distract the Asian Owner of the bar, we should "give him a really complex math problem."

3...2...1...Boom goes the comedy grenade.

Also how when introduced to one of the other bartenders, I was told "He's Etheopian." I looked at him, shook his hand and said "Wow...you've filled out nicely."

Then there's the one I posted on another friends blog (who I want to link to, but I don't want people to figger out my super secret identity...though I wouldn't mind if she sent some of her better friends to mine for perusal) that was just so god damn spot on fun-nah that within a minute of me posting it, she was IMing me with the LOL's.

Plus the fantastic weekend with my wee one. My new obsession with MySpace. My desperate need to get to the beach, even if it's with TJ (which could be up-ended because of Live 8--Fuck you Geldof!!!). My sincere craving to move the fuck out of this area and closer to work and live in a fancy pants high-rise apartment that is too small and I can't afford so I can not drive and bike in everyday even though I'll need to buy a bike, but I'll be broke because of the move and the doubled rent so it'll be all Sophie's Choice like.

Oh...and everyone around me seems to be getting the lovin...

Yeah that doesn't help things.

So I've wanted to write about all this stuff...but I just haven't had the time.

B

Ho friggin hum

2005-06-11T23:39:00.000-04:00

Being broke sucks.

I got a client that hasn't paid me in a couple of months, add that to me owing Health and Car Insurance dues at the same time ($900+), and I find myself in Brokesville.

Seriously, I took my thingie of change down to the Coinstar. Got $118 bucks out of it. Then spent $106 on Groceries (eating healthy is expensive).

Really wanted to go out this weekend, but can't when yer broke. Literally, I have like $50 in my bank account, and I still need to buy gas and shit. UGH!

Wednesday is payday. If I can make it to Wednesday, I'm cool. I can. I know it.

But I'm bored senseless right now.

So I made a myspace thingo. Searched for some friends, tried to add them to my friend list. Sent notes to a couple of cute ladys.

Ugh. Sooooooo booooooooorrrred!

Searched for new apartments earlier today. Found a truck load of them to call on. Had them all on diff tabs on Mozilla. Then it crashed. 2 hours worth of work down the tubes.

All I wanna do is read a bit and go to sleep so I can go work out in the morning. Heh. THAT'S what I'm looking forward to. Working out. WHOOOOO!

Call me Cap'n Excitement!
(see the ZZzzzzzz on my chest?)

B

Retard. Party of One.

2005-06-07T06:31:00.000-04:00

Heh...so after my post about how fucking cool I am, I'm posting about what a 'tard I am.

Irony...dripping everywhere like an ice cream cone on a hot day.

PISTACHIO!

Anyway...

So's I work out Sunday with my friend TJ. At some point, I strained my right calf. It was already bothering me when I started the workout. By the end of Sunday night, I was a hurtin cowboy.

To top things off, I also went to my tanning place for some weekly sunnage. Last week I runned out of tanning lotion goo, so I needed to get some more. I also thought that since I shaved my noggin, I still am kinda whiteish up there. Soooo, I'll hop in the Level 3 stand-up instead of the Level 2 laydown. PLUS, with the stand up, I'll get a more all over tan, instead of looking like an oreo (dark front and back...ghostly white on the sides).

So the lady behind the counter is selling me on tanning goo. They don't have the last stuff I had, so she's selling me on this new goo that will work wonders and help me get more darker more quicker because it oxygenates or something. I dunno...she was pretty so I really wasn't listening to her. Except for one part. She said that guys seem to like this stuff because it's easy spray-on goo.

WHAT? Guys like this better? It's easy? It's a spray? You mean less effort on my part?

SOLD!

WHAT? I need a level 1 goo and a level 2 goo? And I need a facial type of goo for the facial area and the noggin?

FANTASTIC! SOLD!

WHAT? It's $100 total?

Fuck. ok. dammit. Here's my card.

So I tell her I want to do stand up Level 3.

I should explain, that the peeps at the tortur cen--er, tannins salon, have said a million times, that the stand up lev3 is like a laydown #2 intensity-wise.

Oh...they are SO full of shit. You'll understand why in a moment.

So's I go in and strip down. I whip out the new tan goo. I starts spraying it all over a leg. Not aerosol spray. Pump spray. It's Blue. I look like Papa Smurf left me a special gift. I start rubbing it in. I realize that I'm not spraying enough, because I feel like there's not enough coverage.

So's I pick up the bottle and spray again.

And it is at this moment that phase one of Operation: Retardation Realization kicks in.

My rubbing in hand is my right hand. My spray hand is my right hand. The bottle is made of Plastic.

Give that a thought for a moment.

Yeah. Zero grip. Bottle was slipping out of my hand. AND, when I had enough of a grasp on it, the pump sprayer thingie was sliding around in full circle and spraying everything but my leg.

This became maddening.

I finally got so frustrated, that I just started pumping the spray into my hand and rubbing it in manually.

So I gets all lotioned up, put on my eye protection (now with attached stringy headband so it stays on my face whilst standing), and get in the UV tube of death.

I swear to christ, I'm gonna get skin cancer.

10 minutes I asked for. I shoulda done like 6 or maybe 8. 10 was too much.

They have these thingies that you can hold onto at the top to help keep your arms up, for that super-hot under-arm tanning action! I tried to keep from imagining that is was some some of S&M torture device and just focus on relaxing. I normally trance out when I'm in the lay-down beds. Something I quickly realize, I can't do if I'm standing (because of the super-hot falling-down action!)

So's I'm left with nothing to do for 10 minutes. But stand. And think. And realize how friggin hot it is. And wonder why my skin feels the way that chicken must feel when it hits the fryer at a KFC.

Yeah.

Ow.

Sweet burninating action!

Under my arms, where I never get tan in the lay down bed...Toasted.

My sides...which never get tanned in the lay down bed (see: Oreo above)...Toasted.

My face and noggin...which is slow to tan because of the special facial bulbs in the lay down bed...Toasted.

And as a special added bonus: I also have TAN LINES from the stupid stringy headband thingie that kept up my eye protection! I look like I tanned wearing sunglasses!

And as an even more superspecial bonus: I have these weird racoon eyes that everyone seems to enjoy pointing out.

So. To sum up. I have a strained right calf that I'm not quite sure how I got. I'm all burninated up with weird ass tan lines and am constantly lotioning up which just makes me feel dirty and greasy 24/7. AND I bought S her birthday gift and had it sent to her. I wanted to make an impression that I went above and beyond without seeming like I went above and beyond...I think I failed miserably. I shoulda just gotten her her fav flowers. Women like flowers. Not weird goofy unique interesting gifts.

I'm a freakin tard.

But still the coolest guy in the room Friday night. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

B

How did this happen?

2005-06-05T22:36:00.000-04:00

So Friday night, my friend LA throws a b-day party for a friend of hers that I've met a couple of times, Lu. Because I haven't seen LA in a while and Lu even longer, I go.

--Even though I'm missing out on Poker night--

So I get to ye olde partye, make with the nicey nice and come to my first realization. Of the entire group of people, maybe 10 (?), only LA is friends with the birthday girl Lu. Hell, I wouldn't classify me as a friend. Maybe a friend twice removed? I found that sad. Lu pointed it out shortly thereafter as well. At least she's cool with it.

Then a couple of Lu's friends showed up. One was the really pretty brownish-redheadish woman who was in her late 30'sish. She really caught my eye. She was introduced as a vegan. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out any jokes about it fast enough before she was whisked off to somewhere else. THOUGH, I was able to make an awful first impression joke.

She was wearing a t-shirt that had something written on it. Someone pointed it out. She also had a good sized chest. Before I'd even been introduced to her, I blurted out "Wow every person in this room is staring at your boobs right now." There is no filter.

Another one of Lu's friends showed up right after. Now this girl was SMOKIN' hot. I mean...WOW. Also had one of the best smiles I've seen in a long time that never went away. She also had this weird eye thing. Not so much a thing really. She was cross-eyeded. I may have been the only one to notice it. But dude...totally X'd. And dumb. I think. Maybe just not a big talker when she doesn't know people and when a bunch of guys are staring at her like she's meat and she's outnumbered.

So fast forward a couple hours into this. I come to my second realization.

I'm the coolest person in the room.

Wow. Don't I sound like a cock?

Seriously. Taking me out of the group, most the guys in the room were computer geeks or math geeks or (insert type here) geeks that work with LA. The girls were aiight. But even they were lame. I had the coolest job. The best (and most in style, except for LA) outfit. And I could run a room. It was incredible.

And really sad. I've never considered myself to be a "cool person." I'm just a guy. That's it. I'm not great. I'm just me.

But Friday was one of them nights... It got so bad, that I started to take advantage of it. Because I could. And I probably have a "Dickhead" tag from almost every guy in that room.

The conversation in the living room amongst everyone got so lame and benign that I started to read off of all the women's faces that they were bored to tears. And the guys were uber-geekin' it up. I finally blurted out: "OH MY GOD! AM I THE ONLY MALE IN THIS ROOM THAT HAS HAD SEX!?! WITH A REAL LIVE WOMAN!?!?"

I had a 50/50 shot at being able to pull this off...

The silence from the other men made every woman in the room bust a gut laughing.

Then one lil wannabe decided to man up with this witty retort: "OH...And YOU have?"

I smiled.

Me: "I got a kid as proof, big boi...Wha chu got?"

(Silence)

Him: "Yeah...I bet you paid for it."

(I held off from saying anything because I wanted the stupidity of what he just said to linger in the air)

Me: "Yep...still am...With monthly child support checks and visitation. (pause) What else you got Skippy?"

At this point people were laughing and had to get up to refresh drinks. It was the perfect moment for it. There laid the douchebag, as I verbally knocked him out, and there were the passersby that he works with...who will all remind him of what I did. Thing is, it didn't stop there. I continued down this path the rest of the night. Any chance I could get to make Skippy look dumb, I did. Others too. But I mainly focused on him. He was acting like an ass (before I started on him) and I wanted him to know what it felt like to be one.

But the best part came at the end of the night.

Skippy, now drunk enough to be zoning in and out of the convo, and his buddy, go to leave.

Skippy gets up...I swear to fucking god this is true...Walks over to the smokin hot chick with the weird eye thing, and pulls out a piece of wadded up paper and a pen from his pocket, puts it in her face, and says "Write down yer phone number."

She says: "I have a boyfriend."

His brilliant response: "So when's the wedding?"

She just looked at him dumbfounded, paused, and said: "What?"

"Are ya marrying him? Cuz I wanna take you out."

"No. No thanks. Good night."

Skippy crumpled the paper back into his pocket and walked out. His buddy (who was actually pretty cool), says g'night to us all and leaves.

Holy shit did we laugh!

Gotta give Skippy credit...that took some srrrious ballz. But......HA!

Wow. Guys like him give the rest of us a bad name. Of course, *I* give guys like me a bad name when I pull out the comedy at other schmucks expense routine in front of people who don't know me.

Tsk...Why I gotta be the cool one?

B

Jody Watley was right--Epilogue

2005-06-03T06:04:00.000-04:00

So's it turns out that J-Deezy ended up going to NJ for something or other and ended up getting wicked sick. I actually got worried about her, because when I got back to work on Tuesday, she wasn't on-line all day. That was a lil unusual, so I called her and left another message. She called me back later that aft to explain.

S is a slightly different story. I eventually heard from her Monday. She ended up spending the entire weekend with her family, who she missed more than she realized. She wanted to get together that evening, and said she would call when she was leaving R-town (she passes by my place on her way home).

Yeah...'bout that...No call there either.

I was a little mad about that one.

Turns out that her Cousin, who came down with her, drove back, and S fell asleep in the car.

Ok. Fine. But dag, yo.

It just sucks when people don't call when their supposed to. It leaves peeps hangin...and it's just rude. I understand things happen. But for some folks, it happens all the time.

Well...there's more to life than getting twisted over stuff like that.

Like buying S a birthday present (I'm such a dumbass). Wanted to get something that was unique and said I made an effort for a reason, without being all dorky and sending something lame and predictable like flowers (which I think she expects since I axed what her fav flowers are).

And then there's this girl Liz...She e-mailed me out of the blue yesterday. The last time we talked on e-mail was after I asked her out and she gave me "Yeah...I've got a bridal shower to go to...and I can't remember when it is, but it's gonna be on whatever other day you ask me out."

After getting such a lame-ass brush-off. I stopped talking to her. Didn't want to waste my time or hers.

But today, she e-mails out of the blue asking how I am and stuff.

Huh? wtf?

More on this later, but me say right now:

"IF YOU OWN A VAGINA - I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU AT ALL! BE - MORE - CLEAR!"

B

Jody Watley was right

2005-05-29T23:02:00.000-04:00

Friends will let you down
Friends wont be around
When you need them most
Where are your friends, yeah

Big Memorial Day weekend. Was really looking forward to a few days of relaxing. Mebbe some drankin...mebbe some partyin.

Been keepin off the smokes all week. Friday was hard though. Lots of pressure. So I had a little..."inspiration." Me, T and another guy got some drinks downstairs...then got inspired on the Club level. Got me quick too. Found it very...difficult... to ... woooor--OH something shiny!

Ending up calling it a night. HAD to go home to sleep. Swear to fuck, I don't know how people can do that every single day and be functional.

Had to go back in to finish on Saturday. No big. Was supposed to get a call from S, who was coming down to visit. But, by the time I left, she hadn't called. J-Deezy also wanted to hang out this weekend. On my way back, I called her...left a message. Ended up getting a couple of G-Pints and a Macanudo and calling it a night.

Again...today, calls to J-Deezy and S...yielded nothing. Talked to my other friend LA (who got dumped this morning). She's goin downtown with her friends to "drown her sorrows" (even though she was looking for a gentle way to dump him).

So here it is...Sunday night. Almost 11pm. And I ain't hung out with no friends. Not even return phone calls. I'm sure there's good reasons. I'm sure I'm being a whiney little bitch. But dag, yo. Make plans with two differnet peoples and both of them bail. I hate that shit.

This is why I need my own posse.

It's time for a change

2005-05-24T01:52:00.000-04:00

I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking unhappy.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I realize I'm letting myself down. My lifestyle change (not diet) has fallen to shit. I'm letting too many things interfere with what I need to be doing. I'm losing focus on a daily basis.

I ask myself "Why, after everything you've done, are you still lonely?"

One word: Fear.

I wrote about this before...but it's sinking in now.

I'm always afraid to take the next step. I make excuses. Then I bitch and whine and complain about it. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired being emotionally run-down. I'm just plain tired.

It's nearly 2am as I'm writing this. I should have been in bed hours ago, but I went to a company dinner. I drank, but did not get drunk. I ate, but was not full. I laughed, but didn't feel like it was funny.

I have to stop asking questions. Sometimes, things. just. are.

The one woman I care very deeply for does not return that. I want to know why. But the answer is simple...because: she doesn't.

I ask why I make stupid decisions about what I eat and the things I do. The answer is simple: Because I allow myself to. I've lost the disipline and desire I once had. Mainly because I haven't gotten what I wanted out of doing it.

It's kinda like driving across country because you think it will be "an experience." When you do it, at the end, you realize "Well...that was a fucking waste of my time. Where's my epiphany?"

Maybe that was the wrong method. Maybe it was the first step in along journey. Or maybe, you're just too proud (or stupid) to see it.

It's time to take responsibility for what I've done. I crushed the last smoke I had in my pack on the way home. I don't want anymore. I will tomorrow...but I can't allow myself to fall into that trap.

I ate cheesecake tonight. It was delicious. Soooo good. Halfway through, my brain said: Hey dumbass, you're full. But I didn't stop. I kept eating. It was sooooo good. Then when I was done, I felt over-full and felt some shame for eating what I did. On the metro home, I kept looking at myself in the glass reflection. I kept thinking about what a fat son-of-a-bitch I am. How I'm letting myself down. How I will never get to the point of happiness if I continue down this path.

So, now, I'm going to map out a few things, publicly, that I will force myself to live up to:

No more smoking. Period.
By Labor Day 2005, I will be down to 235lbs.
I will finish this god damn divorce by Dec 31st, 2005
I will move closer to work by Labor Day, 2005 (20-25 miles)
I will conquer my fear of simple Male/Female interaction and be okay with it when I make mistakes.
I will learn from those mistakes.
Buy a new car on my own.
Buy a house or condo on my own.
Find a happy place where I can decompress.
Have sex.

Ten things. They seem easy as I'm writing it. It's easier said than done.

But I'm going to make myself a reminder. Something that when I see myself in the morning, I will remember what I feel right now. If I don't, I will go through tomorrow and the next day, and this moment will be an after thought.

It's a simple fear, that I did before, but I'm scared to do now.

I'm going to shave my head.

I've got butterflies in my stomach. I'm really scared. But it's time to conquer that.

Either that or it's the Cheesecake.

b

I just can't deal

2005-05-19T00:43:00.000-04:00

This is gonna be difficult to discuss. Only one person outside of this knows about this situation...and I find it diffucult to discuss it with him.

I've never been in this position before.

Someone at work is sexually attracted to me.

At first, I thought it was the greatest thing ever. She's in a bad relationship, wanting to get out...I want a relationship with no games, bullshit, or drama. Seemed perfect.

At first, there was a lot of quiet flirting betwen her and I. Then it became a little more overt. We would discuss her situation and the surrounding details. I gave advice when asked, but always listened. I kept my desires at bay and tried to look at the situation realistically.

She has a live-in boyfriend
She's not super attractive
She has a lot of issues.

The boyfriend situation can be taken care of if she wants to. She can just kick him out and move on with her life. The attractiveness is also not a big issue, an issue, but not a BIG one. You SHOULD be attracted to the person you'd like to be with, but sometimes, their inner beauty is far superior to their outer beauty. A moderately attractive person can become much more attractive by the things they say and do...Whereas the opposite is also true. I've seen both.

(btw: you may think I'm contridicting myself from an earlier post. I'm not. There is some wiggle room here)

The last one bugs me. She has a LOT of issues. Many she's trying to deal with in therapy. But she also seems to be a magnet for Drama. Even when she doesn't want it, it shows up on her doorstep. She and I have had SO MANY convos about this...And she believes that she brings it on herself because of her "nice" nature. While that may be true, I still call bullshit. Most times, you put yourself in bad situations. You allow things to happen. The occasional mistake will happen. But repeated mistakes are your own fault.

It's partly because of this last one that I've really become disinterested in her. I don't want (or care) to listen to her drama. It's always the same convos that go nowhere. It's like banging my head against the wall. Repeatedly. I've gotten to the point where this shit has mostly turned me away from her.

But that's only part of it.

We've "kissed" twice.

Kissed is in quotes because they weren't full-blown kisses (heh...joke in my brain). They were the beginning stage of them and for one reason or another, they were halted. But to make things worse, we've often had convos about sex with each other. 99% of the time, initiated by her. They'll often be like this...

"I can picture me riding on top of you in that chair."
"How'd you like to bend me over and fuck me from behind?"
"I'll bet you've got a big dick."

I've been able to deal with most of this. I've also happily played along...but have been getting irritated by it more and more.

I'm irritated for one reason: It's TEASING! It's the tease of "You want this? I want it too. You want it? I want it. Want to? Let's go! Ooooooh, wait...I got that thing to go do. BYE!" I get this over and over and over and over again. What she really wants is to fulfill what she's not getting at home from her b/f. But without actually doing anything "wrong."

I recognized this a few weeks back...and I waited.

She came into my office last week and started up again. So I called her bluff. "Okay...Let's do it. When you get done, let's go down to your car an I'll fuck your brains out." She seemed excited, but pulled the "I would, but I gotta go...do...that thing."

I knew she wouldn't do it.

A couple days later, she started again...I re-doubled my efforts: "You wanna fuck after work? There's a hotel next door. You don't even need to stay the night. Just a couple hours. No? Ok, what works good for you then?"

She gave me this look that said..."Why are you asking me so forcefully? This is not part of my game."

Bluff called. Bagger-2, Her-0.

I thought that might take care of the problem.

Nope, she crossed the line today.

I have a soft chair in my office. She came and laid on it and said "I know what will clear up my face..." (She has bad acne that seems to have gotten worse) "...a hot load of your jizz all over it."

Jesus Christ...I just didn't know how to deal with it. It was unexpected, and honestly, DISGUSTING! Dirty talk is one thing...when the lights are low, you're both in the mood...

But in the office? With someone you're not even sleeping with!?!

Besides...That's not even dirty talk to me. It's just being filthy and it's extremely unladylike. I know that sounds lame-ass, but I just don't like it.

I'll put it this way:

Which turns you on more? When your s/o gets really close to your ear and says in a voice that is barely audible to even you "You have no idea how much I want you...right...now." Or, when your s/o is two or three feet away and loudly says "Hey c'mere...Fuck me in the ass."

There is NOTHING SEXY ABOUT THAT!

N.O.T.H.I.N.G.

So now...I'm completely turned off by her. I don't think there's any going back. I'd have to be really drunk and really horny at this point.

And even then...

b

WTF is wrong with me? (pt2 in a series)

2005-05-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

I don't think I will ever understand why my stupid fear and intimidation of the opposite sex stands in my way of a great relationship.

Lemme 'splain...

There's this girl I work(ed) with, S. Today was her last day.

She has been extremely cool with me over the last few months of my job. Over the past two months, we've s-l-o-w-l-y started to talk more and more. She's pretty cool and very down to earth, but I've always wondered about her.

I wondered, why it was that she was SO pretty, but never had a boyfriend or dated. So finally, I asked her. She was in my office, yappin it up with me, and I just flat out asked her. She was cool about the question (some wimmens can take that the wrong way). Basically, she was focused on getting a job in, and moving to, NYC. She had been trying, unsuccessfully, for a while. But she didn't want to be involved in a relationship that might stand in her way.

Hey, I totally understand that. I've said many times that no relationship will ever stand in my way of my career. I LOVE what I do and don't want to miss a great opportunity because of someone else who doesn't GET what I do. Opportunity knocks very rarely. Sometimes you answer, sometimes you don't. But you should never REGRET not answering.

S also told me that it's not that she doesn't date...It's that she hasn't found anyone who really stimulated her (get yer mind outta tha gutter!). She found most guys to be shallow, self-serving, and sex driven. That turns her off.

Again, totally with her. There are few peeps who I find stimulating as well...J-Deezy (I know you're reading this), T, R-Dog, LA...I keep them close because I value their friendship and I'm never bored with them (hopefully, the opposite is true with them). Also, I too find most guys to be shallow, self-serving, and sex driven. I include myself in that, but I hope what separates me from the rest of the pack is that I'm honest about it and try to turn that shit off whenever possible. But c'mon, a hot babe is a hot babe. I'm not DEAD inside!

So anywhooo...I found out a couple weeks ago that S finally landed a killer job in NYC. I was extremely happy for her. By the end of that week, two fridays ago, she came into my office to say goodbye and I finally mustered up the courage. It went like this:

S: "Ok, goodnight sweetie." (Gives me peck on the cheek)

B: "G'night" (She gathers up her things) "Ummm...S...errrr, ummm, can I take you to dinner next week?"

(pause...at this point, I'm hoping if I can think hard enough, I can turn the spin of Earth around, like Superman, reverse time, and stop myself from asking)

S: (Cracks a big ole smile) "I would love to." (Gives me another kiss on the cheek) "I'll talk to you Monday."

I swear to christ, I almost passed out.

Two minutes later, I still couldn't believe she said Yes. And I couldn't believe how easy it was.

Then I realized: Hey dipshit...you didn't ask her out on a date. You're taking her to dinner, she's probably thinking that it's your way of saying goodbye. Which it was. But at the same time, I didn't want to think that I never took that step. That I never took that chance.

Sooo, is asking her to dinner a week and a half before she leaves kind of a pussified thing to do? Yeah. I think so. BUT, at least I did it. It's a step, right? Right?

So Monday rolls around. In all God's honesty, I figured she would forget about saying yes to dinner. It wouldn't be the first time. Probably wouldn't be the last. So I decided I wouldn't say anything about it to her unless she brought it up. I know...stop calling me a pussy. But I have reasons. Dumb ones, but reasons nonetheless.

T (from a few posts down) told me that she had dated a couple of guys from the office. The diff between them and me? They're Black. I'm not. He thinks that she's only into Black guys. Now, I don't know that for a fact, but it wouldn't surprise me. Things like that don't surprise me anymore. Just something I shrug off. T also expressed the concern that S was the type of girl who knew she was pretty and used that to her advantage. Not in a mean way of using people, but in the way that most women could easily have a guy do something for them because she knows that he's interested. Like, allowing someone who's smitten with you to help you find a job of your dreams and expect nothing in return except the chance to possibly get closer to you.

Make sense? If not, forget I said that last part.

So anyway, I thought, if anything, she was just being nice by accepting my dinner invite. And that maybe if I didn't bring it up, she wouldn't either. I'm willing to accept that.

Christ, I'm rambling.

So last Tuesday, she IM's me to see if we're still on. Color me shocked. Of course we were, I told her. We discussed possible times for us to do the dinner...we planned on this Wednesday (today).

Last Friday, she came into my office before she left and we were BSing. She asked if we were still on for Wednesday. I told her yes, but I was kind of rethinking it, because she would be leaving for NYC that night and we really wouldn't have that much time to spend together. So I suggested moving it to Monday night.

She thought about it, and much to my surprise, agreed. She would have to shuffle around a few last visits to family that she had planned for Monday night, but would move them to Wednesday.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

So, Monday rolls around, I see her in the office, she asks (in front of other people!!!!) "So we're still on for tonight, right?" I confirm.

Now, I gotta be really honest. I SUCK at planning dates. Even ones that aren't serious. I really should have had a place to eat picked out, who would drive, etc.

Yeah...I got nothing. Such an idiot!

We're IMing later, I ask her where she wants to eat, she suggests we do Asain food. I'm cool with that. So after work, we leave. As we're walking out, she says: "So where are we going?" I said; "Asain." She says; "Ok, but where?"

My response; "I...thought...you...had...a place...picked out."

We both start laughing and she suggests a Thai place. I'm in. Been there, good food.

In the elevator she asks: "Who's driving?"

Now a REAL man would have responded with "I am."

I said: "Duuuuuuuuhhhh...I dunno. I can if you want. Duuuuhhhh, or you can. Duh." (at least that's what it sounded like in my head)

Soooo...She drove.

We get there, look at menus...

Holy crap! How long is this post?

We start to BS. Waiter has to come over a few times because we keep talking and aren't looking at the menus. Not even drink orders.

We finally order, get our drinks, and just shoot the shit. Awesome food comes. Both of our plates end up getting cold because we're talking so much. It's just really comfortable, easy, convo. The check comes, and I swear, we sat there for another hour talking before I paid the bill. I paid, and it had to be at least another 45 minutes, before I finally did the manly thing and ended the date (always leave 'em wanting more).

She drove me back to the building and said we needed to smoke before she went home. So we did. She stopped the car and said something that kinda took me aback; "SEE? This is what I mean! STIMULATING conversation." I'm really, really trying hard to not read too much into that comment.

We talked for a bit more and finally said our good nights. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and one of the longest, hardest hugs I've had in a long time. The last time I got one like this was from J-Deezy when I left up north.

But, the thing is, S and I are nowhere NEAR as close as J-Deezy and I are. Again...trying really hard to not read anything into it.

The drive home monday night just messed with my head. I kept thinking back to our convo and how we agreed on so many things. Things we like, things we dislike, etc. And the one thing that almost ALWAYS drives a wedge between me and another woman: Appearance. What I mean is; Just because you've been with someone, doesn't mean you can let yourself go to hell. I've seen it happen too many times. Hell, I did it. So did the Ex. Yes, looks fade, I get that. But just because you love each other and have been together a while, doesn't mean that you should stop doing everything you can to keep yourself attractive to your mate. Oh, and this goes for Guys too! There are certain things you can't control (baldness, sickness, etc), but the things that you CAN control (weight, dress, attitude, etc) you SHOULD. I may love you for who you are, but when this started, you had an awesome style and weighed 150lbs. Now you wear sweats all the time and you're 250. There's a problem there.

Back to the story...

So today was her last day. When I showed up, she called me over and handed me a card. I made some joking remark about getting a card and that I LOVE getting cards. Just wanted to make her laugh. I didn't open it until I got back to my office. She wrote a really sweet note about us only knowing each other fr a short time, but that it's been great and that this isn't the end. She wants me to come visit her in NYC (something she's said more than a few times). She included her e-mail and Phone number. I smiled. I'm NOT going to read anything into this.

At the end of the day, I had to blow out to git my hair did. I dropped my bag at the elevator and walked over to her desk. She came over and kissed my cheek and gave me a hug. A long one. One that I went to break and she just held on. She whispered that she wants me to come visit in NYC and that we're GOING to keep in touch. We broke, but I held onto her. Told her that; Of course, I'm going to visit. We hugged again, very tight and very long. She finally pulled back and it looked like she was about to cry. I quickly ran my thumb over her cheek and said "No crying...this isn't goodbye." She said "I know."

I walked away, grabbed my stuff, hit the elevator button and told her to call me once she gets settled so that I have all her vital info. She nodded her head.

*Ding*

I smiled one last smile at her, walked into the elevator, hit my floor, and the doors closed.

And I finally breathed.

(insert dramatic flourish here)

I'm NOT going to read anything into this.

At last that's what I keep telling myself...I'm just not sure if I believe myself.

But I go back to the title of this post: WTF is wrong with me? Why didn't I do this sooner? Think of how much time has been wasted.

Then again...Things happen the way they do for a reason.

B

What an F'ed up week!

2005-04-29T23:48:00.000-04:00

I'd like to say that I'm glad it's over...but it's not.

It's Friday night, I've had a few G-pints, I'm feeling "Saucy" (and alternately lonely), and I've got a ton of work to do this weekend for clients.

My nipples are erect with glee.

But I'm looking forward to my workout tomorrow morning. My Trainer is gonna kick my ass. I've not really held up well under the stress. I've been taking the easy way out too many times. Even when I know I shouldn't. Pizza? Suuuure. Cheese and Bacon on my Grilled Chicken sandwich? GREAT! Egg rolls with my Shrimp Chow Mein? Damn Skippy!

My Trainer has me keep a daily food log of what I eat and the exercise I do. When I'm tracking daily with the exercise, I kinda hafta keep up with writing my food down. I need the log to tell me what exercises to do (Yeah, I'm that forgetful...just ask G), so If I'm working out everyday, the log is kept up to date. If I'm not...It's ain't.

Like this week. I actually felt like shit Monday and Tuesday. Lots of chest congestion, loose phlegm, that yummy smoker's hack. So I stayed out of the gym. Even though I had been really focused last week. I worked out with the trainer Wednesday, with full plans to get in Thurs and Friday.

Yeah...that happened. :eyeroll:

Drinking with the Boss Wednesday night...So Thursday morning, I was exhausted. Thursday night, up late doing client work...Woke up at 7:30a this morning. Too late to get in a workout.

So it's up to tomorrow. Training at 8a, then I plan on doing an hour of Cardio. I have to. I need to. I need that endorphin high. I miss it.

~~~~~~

One of my fav interns is leaving. Today was her last day.

Damn, she is beautiful.

She says she'll be back in June or July...Can't remember which she said, but she's going to the STL. I have her e-mail address and I gave her mine. Hopefully I can strike up a little on-line friendship with her.

But I should have done it while she was here. But I'm a big pussy who's afraid of rejection.

I've GOT to figure out why I have no problem saying whatever's on my mind, to anyone, at anytime...But when it comes to a pretty woman, I just lock-up.

B

I luvs me some wimmens

2005-04-24T00:28:00.000-04:00

I took my little one to the House of Cheese today.

Good lord almighty.

Crotch trophies running around everywhere. Parents being rude. You know the deal.

But today I realized, again, how much I want to hump a non-white chick.

Especially a Latino. There's just something about them. There's an aura...an essence about Latino women that drive me loopy.

And some light-skinned Black girls drive me nuts too.

Part of me thinks it simply because I'm tired of the white girl mind-set, that if you're not off the set of The OC, or you're not buying your clothes from Ambercrombie & Fitch, you're not worth their time.

Don't get me wrong, I still find white women to be hot...and really, I can't be picky at this point...but damn. The desire is killing me.

There was this Latino chick in the House of Cheese that was killing me. She was a little heavy, good sized boobs, unique style, and just oooozed sexuality. I tried hard to not stare, but it wasn't easy.

Too bad she didn't look a day over 16.

B

(sidebar: I've always had this theory that older Latino Moms eat their young. I don't think I've ever met a Latino mother that's over the age of 50, that didn't weigh at least 200lbs.)

WTF is wrong with me? (pt1 in a series)

2005-04-23T01:22:00.000-04:00

So when the Boss says meet me for drinks and bring some folks with ya...

Ya tend to follow his orders.

I mean, c'mon...HE'S THE MUH-FUCKIN B to tha O to tha DOUBLE S!

And he's payin'.

(Did I mention my favorite drink is the free kind?)

So I bring my buddy/co-worker/bestest friend T with me.

There's many of us...We hang...drink...bein merry and shit.

Coupla G-pints in me and I'm feeling good. And hungry. And at this point, it's me, T, and two other (female) co-workers. We head back to the shop. They comment that they're hungry, I do the same. T gourged himself on two plates of fries and chicken tenders. He ain't hungry.

He goes to his shop, I go to mine. The girls go to leave, then ask me if I want to join them for food.

So I say "Absolutely...Lemme call T"

And that's where I went wrong.

T is a boaster. I take about 80% of what he says with a grain of salt, because most times, he's blowin shit outta proportion...and that just bugs the crap outta me.

But he's also my best friend. Always been there for me and vice versa. It's just part of the friendship you have to deal with.

T joins us...Even though he already ate.

We order food...So does T...Even though he already ate.

He then proceeds to annoy, boast, brag and belittle the women with his various comments. And it's all over stupid stuff that he acts like an expert on. Not even worth going into.

I finally pull up real close to one of the girls and say "You absolutely hate T right now, don't you?" She starts to laugh and says "Yes." I apologize for his behavior. Hell, even I'm embarrased.

And irritated.

You might be wondering why. The reasons are thrice...

1) I was already in a pissy mood that day. Drinking made me feel better, T brought me back down with his attitude.

2) I HATE IT when people Lie/Brag/Boast/Expand upon a truth to the point where it sounds like a lie.

3) I like these two girls. They're both really cool people who I wouldn't mind hanging out with more often. Both are beautiful in their own way, which makes me want to get to know them better as friends.

I'm desperately trying to expand my circle of friends. Which is why you should never try to mix circles. Almost always, someone from one group won't like someone else from the other. And there you are -STUCK- in the middle.

I should have known better than to do it. But a few G-pints in and I don't always think so clearly.

B

I guess this might work

2005-04-18T21:26:00.000-04:00

So...

I'm kinda tired.

I guess creating this blog was kinda dumb since I wanna go to bed right now.

Awesome. I'm fuckin brilliant.

And what an unbelievable first post.