Retard. Party of One.

Heh...so after my post about how fucking cool I am, I'm posting about what a 'tard I am.

Irony...dripping everywhere like an ice cream cone on a hot day.

PISTACHIO!

Anyway...

So's I work out Sunday with my friend TJ. At some point, I strained my right calf. It was already bothering me when I started the workout. By the end of Sunday night, I was a hurtin cowboy.

To top things off, I also went to my tanning place for some weekly sunnage. Last week I runned out of tanning lotion goo, so I needed to get some more. I also thought that since I shaved my noggin, I still am kinda whiteish up there. Soooo, I'll hop in the Level 3 stand-up instead of the Level 2 laydown. PLUS, with the stand up, I'll get a more all over tan, instead of looking like an oreo (dark front and back...ghostly white on the sides).

So the lady behind the counter is selling me on tanning goo. They don't have the last stuff I had, so she's selling me on this new goo that will work wonders and help me get more darker more quicker because it oxygenates or something. I dunno...she was pretty so I really wasn't listening to her. Except for one part. She said that guys seem to like this stuff because it's easy spray-on goo.

WHAT? Guys like this better? It's easy? It's a spray? You mean less effort on my part?

SOLD!

WHAT? I need a level 1 goo and a level 2 goo? And I need a facial type of goo for the facial area and the noggin?

FANTASTIC! SOLD!

WHAT? It's $100 total?

Fuck. ok. dammit. Here's my card.

So I tell her I want to do stand up Level 3.

I should explain, that the peeps at the tortur cen--er, tannins salon, have said a million times, that the stand up lev3 is like a laydown #2 intensity-wise.

Oh...they are SO full of shit. You'll understand why in a moment.

So's I go in and strip down. I whip out the new tan goo. I starts spraying it all over a leg. Not aerosol spray. Pump spray. It's Blue. I look like Papa Smurf left me a special gift. I start rubbing it in. I realize that I'm not spraying enough, because I feel like there's not enough coverage.

So's I pick up the bottle and spray again.

And it is at this moment that phase one of Operation: Retardation Realization kicks in.

My rubbing in hand is my right hand. My spray hand is my right hand. The bottle is made of Plastic.

Give that a thought for a moment.

Yeah. Zero grip. Bottle was slipping out of my hand. AND, when I had enough of a grasp on it, the pump sprayer thingie was sliding around in full circle and spraying everything but my leg.

This became maddening.

I finally got so frustrated, that I just started pumping the spray into my hand and rubbing it in manually.

So I gets all lotioned up, put on my eye protection (now with attached stringy headband so it stays on my face whilst standing), and get in the UV tube of death.

I swear to christ, I'm gonna get skin cancer.

10 minutes I asked for. I shoulda done like 6 or maybe 8. 10 was too much.

They have these thingies that you can hold onto at the top to help keep your arms up, for that super-hot under-arm tanning action! I tried to keep from imagining that is was some some of S&M torture device and just focus on relaxing. I normally trance out when I'm in the lay-down beds. Something I quickly realize, I can't do if I'm standing (because of the super-hot falling-down action!)

So's I'm left with nothing to do for 10 minutes. But stand. And think. And realize how friggin hot it is. And wonder why my skin feels the way that chicken must feel when it hits the fryer at a KFC.

Yeah.

Ow.

Sweet burninating action!

Under my arms, where I never get tan in the lay down bed...Toasted.

My sides...which never get tanned in the lay down bed (see: Oreo above)...Toasted.

My face and noggin...which is slow to tan because of the special facial bulbs in the lay down bed...Toasted.

And as a special added bonus: I also have TAN LINES from the stupid stringy headband thingie that kept up my eye protection! I look like I tanned wearing sunglasses!

And as an even more superspecial bonus: I have these weird racoon eyes that everyone seems to enjoy pointing out.

So. To sum up. I have a strained right calf that I'm not quite sure how I got. I'm all burninated up with weird ass tan lines and am constantly lotioning up which just makes me feel dirty and greasy 24/7. AND I bought S her birthday gift and had it sent to her. I wanted to make an impression that I went above and beyond without seeming like I went above and beyond...I think I failed miserably. I shoulda just gotten her her fav flowers. Women like flowers. Not weird goofy unique interesting gifts.

I'm a freakin tard.

But still the coolest guy in the room Friday night. So I got that going for me. Which is nice.

B