How did this happen?

So Friday night, my friend LA throws a b-day party for a friend of hers that I've met a couple of times, Lu. Because I haven't seen LA in a while and Lu even longer, I go.

--Even though I'm missing out on Poker night--

So I get to ye olde partye, make with the nicey nice and come to my first realization. Of the entire group of people, maybe 10 (?), only LA is friends with the birthday girl Lu. Hell, I wouldn't classify me as a friend. Maybe a friend twice removed? I found that sad. Lu pointed it out shortly thereafter as well. At least she's cool with it.

Then a couple of Lu's friends showed up. One was the really pretty brownish-redheadish woman who was in her late 30'sish. She really caught my eye. She was introduced as a vegan. Unfortunately, I couldn't get out any jokes about it fast enough before she was whisked off to somewhere else. THOUGH, I was able to make an awful first impression joke.

She was wearing a t-shirt that had something written on it. Someone pointed it out. She also had a good sized chest. Before I'd even been introduced to her, I blurted out "Wow every person in this room is staring at your boobs right now." There is no filter.

Another one of Lu's friends showed up right after. Now this girl was SMOKIN' hot. I mean...WOW. Also had one of the best smiles I've seen in a long time that never went away. She also had this weird eye thing. Not so much a thing really. She was cross-eyeded. I may have been the only one to notice it. But dude...totally X'd. And dumb. I think. Maybe just not a big talker when she doesn't know people and when a bunch of guys are staring at her like she's meat and she's outnumbered.

So fast forward a couple hours into this. I come to my second realization.

I'm the coolest person in the room.

Wow. Don't I sound like a cock?

Seriously. Taking me out of the group, most the guys in the room were computer geeks or math geeks or (insert type here) geeks that work with LA. The girls were aiight. But even they were lame. I had the coolest job. The best (and most in style, except for LA) outfit. And I could run a room. It was incredible.

And really sad. I've never considered myself to be a "cool person." I'm just a guy. That's it. I'm not great. I'm just me.

But Friday was one of them nights... It got so bad, that I started to take advantage of it. Because I could. And I probably have a "Dickhead" tag from almost every guy in that room.

The conversation in the living room amongst everyone got so lame and benign that I started to read off of all the women's faces that they were bored to tears. And the guys were uber-geekin' it up. I finally blurted out: "OH MY GOD! AM I THE ONLY MALE IN THIS ROOM THAT HAS HAD SEX!?! WITH A REAL LIVE WOMAN!?!?"

I had a 50/50 shot at being able to pull this off...

The silence from the other men made every woman in the room bust a gut laughing.

Then one lil wannabe decided to man up with this witty retort: "OH...And YOU have?"

I smiled.

Me: "I got a kid as proof, big boi...Wha chu got?"

(Silence)

Him: "Yeah...I bet you paid for it."

(I held off from saying anything because I wanted the stupidity of what he just said to linger in the air)

Me: "Yep...still am...With monthly child support checks and visitation. (pause) What else you got Skippy?"

At this point people were laughing and had to get up to refresh drinks. It was the perfect moment for it. There laid the douchebag, as I verbally knocked him out, and there were the passersby that he works with...who will all remind him of what I did. Thing is, it didn't stop there. I continued down this path the rest of the night. Any chance I could get to make Skippy look dumb, I did. Others too. But I mainly focused on him. He was acting like an ass (before I started on him) and I wanted him to know what it felt like to be one.

But the best part came at the end of the night.

Skippy, now drunk enough to be zoning in and out of the convo, and his buddy, go to leave.

Skippy gets up...I swear to fucking god this is true...Walks over to the smokin hot chick with the weird eye thing, and pulls out a piece of wadded up paper and a pen from his pocket, puts it in her face, and says "Write down yer phone number."

She says: "I have a boyfriend."

His brilliant response: "So when's the wedding?"

She just looked at him dumbfounded, paused, and said: "What?"

"Are ya marrying him? Cuz I wanna take you out."

"No. No thanks. Good night."

Skippy crumpled the paper back into his pocket and walked out. His buddy (who was actually pretty cool), says g'night to us all and leaves.

Holy shit did we laugh!

Gotta give Skippy credit...that took some srrrious ballz. But......HA!

Wow. Guys like him give the rest of us a bad name. Of course, *I* give guys like me a bad name when I pull out the comedy at other schmucks expense routine in front of people who don't know me.

Tsk...Why I gotta be the cool one?

B