WTF is wrong with me? (pt2 in a series)

I don't think I will ever understand why my stupid fear and intimidation of the opposite sex stands in my way of a great relationship.

Lemme 'splain...

There's this girl I work(ed) with, S. Today was her last day.

She has been extremely cool with me over the last few months of my job. Over the past two months, we've s-l-o-w-l-y started to talk more and more. She's pretty cool and very down to earth, but I've always wondered about her.

I wondered, why it was that she was SO pretty, but never had a boyfriend or dated. So finally, I asked her. She was in my office, yappin it up with me, and I just flat out asked her. She was cool about the question (some wimmens can take that the wrong way). Basically, she was focused on getting a job in, and moving to, NYC. She had been trying, unsuccessfully, for a while. But she didn't want to be involved in a relationship that might stand in her way.

Hey, I totally understand that. I've said many times that no relationship will ever stand in my way of my career. I LOVE what I do and don't want to miss a great opportunity because of someone else who doesn't GET what I do. Opportunity knocks very rarely. Sometimes you answer, sometimes you don't. But you should never REGRET not answering.

S also told me that it's not that she doesn't date...It's that she hasn't found anyone who really stimulated her (get yer mind outta tha gutter!). She found most guys to be shallow, self-serving, and sex driven. That turns her off.

Again, totally with her. There are few peeps who I find stimulating as well...J-Deezy (I know you're reading this), T, R-Dog, LA...I keep them close because I value their friendship and I'm never bored with them (hopefully, the opposite is true with them). Also, I too find most guys to be shallow, self-serving, and sex driven. I include myself in that, but I hope what separates me from the rest of the pack is that I'm honest about it and try to turn that shit off whenever possible. But c'mon, a hot babe is a hot babe. I'm not DEAD inside!

So anywhooo...I found out a couple weeks ago that S finally landed a killer job in NYC. I was extremely happy for her. By the end of that week, two fridays ago, she came into my office to say goodbye and I finally mustered up the courage. It went like this:

S: "Ok, goodnight sweetie." (Gives me peck on the cheek)

B: "G'night" (She gathers up her things) "Ummm...S...errrr, ummm, can I take you to dinner next week?"

(pause...at this point, I'm hoping if I can think hard enough, I can turn the spin of Earth around, like Superman, reverse time, and stop myself from asking)

S: (Cracks a big ole smile) "I would love to." (Gives me another kiss on the cheek) "I'll talk to you Monday."

I swear to christ, I almost passed out.

Two minutes later, I still couldn't believe she said Yes. And I couldn't believe how easy it was.

Then I realized: Hey dipshit...you didn't ask her out on a date. You're taking her to dinner, she's probably thinking that it's your way of saying goodbye. Which it was. But at the same time, I didn't want to think that I never took that step. That I never took that chance.

Sooo, is asking her to dinner a week and a half before she leaves kind of a pussified thing to do? Yeah. I think so. BUT, at least I did it. It's a step, right? Right?

So Monday rolls around. In all God's honesty, I figured she would forget about saying yes to dinner. It wouldn't be the first time. Probably wouldn't be the last. So I decided I wouldn't say anything about it to her unless she brought it up. I know...stop calling me a pussy. But I have reasons. Dumb ones, but reasons nonetheless.

T (from a few posts down) told me that she had dated a couple of guys from the office. The diff between them and me? They're Black. I'm not. He thinks that she's only into Black guys. Now, I don't know that for a fact, but it wouldn't surprise me. Things like that don't surprise me anymore. Just something I shrug off. T also expressed the concern that S was the type of girl who knew she was pretty and used that to her advantage. Not in a mean way of using people, but in the way that most women could easily have a guy do something for them because she knows that he's interested. Like, allowing someone who's smitten with you to help you find a job of your dreams and expect nothing in return except the chance to possibly get closer to you.

Make sense? If not, forget I said that last part.

So anyway, I thought, if anything, she was just being nice by accepting my dinner invite. And that maybe if I didn't bring it up, she wouldn't either. I'm willing to accept that.

Christ, I'm rambling.

So last Tuesday, she IM's me to see if we're still on. Color me shocked. Of course we were, I told her. We discussed possible times for us to do the dinner...we planned on this Wednesday (today).

Last Friday, she came into my office before she left and we were BSing. She asked if we were still on for Wednesday. I told her yes, but I was kind of rethinking it, because she would be leaving for NYC that night and we really wouldn't have that much time to spend together. So I suggested moving it to Monday night.

She thought about it, and much to my surprise, agreed. She would have to shuffle around a few last visits to family that she had planned for Monday night, but would move them to Wednesday.

You could have knocked me over with a feather.

So, Monday rolls around, I see her in the office, she asks (in front of other people!!!!) "So we're still on for tonight, right?" I confirm.

Now, I gotta be really honest. I SUCK at planning dates. Even ones that aren't serious. I really should have had a place to eat picked out, who would drive, etc.

Yeah...I got nothing. Such an idiot!

We're IMing later, I ask her where she wants to eat, she suggests we do Asain food. I'm cool with that. So after work, we leave. As we're walking out, she says: "So where are we going?" I said; "Asain." She says; "Ok, but where?"

My response; "I...thought...you...had...a place...picked out."

We both start laughing and she suggests a Thai place. I'm in. Been there, good food.

In the elevator she asks: "Who's driving?"

Now a REAL man would have responded with "I am."

I said: "Duuuuuuuuhhhh...I dunno. I can if you want. Duuuuhhhh, or you can. Duh." (at least that's what it sounded like in my head)

Soooo...She drove.

We get there, look at menus...

Holy crap! How long is this post?

We start to BS. Waiter has to come over a few times because we keep talking and aren't looking at the menus. Not even drink orders.

We finally order, get our drinks, and just shoot the shit. Awesome food comes. Both of our plates end up getting cold because we're talking so much. It's just really comfortable, easy, convo. The check comes, and I swear, we sat there for another hour talking before I paid the bill. I paid, and it had to be at least another 45 minutes, before I finally did the manly thing and ended the date (always leave 'em wanting more).

She drove me back to the building and said we needed to smoke before she went home. So we did. She stopped the car and said something that kinda took me aback; "SEE? This is what I mean! STIMULATING conversation." I'm really, really trying hard to not read too much into that comment.

We talked for a bit more and finally said our good nights. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and one of the longest, hardest hugs I've had in a long time. The last time I got one like this was from J-Deezy when I left up north.

But, the thing is, S and I are nowhere NEAR as close as J-Deezy and I are. Again...trying really hard to not read anything into it.

The drive home monday night just messed with my head. I kept thinking back to our convo and how we agreed on so many things. Things we like, things we dislike, etc. And the one thing that almost ALWAYS drives a wedge between me and another woman: Appearance. What I mean is; Just because you've been with someone, doesn't mean you can let yourself go to hell. I've seen it happen too many times. Hell, I did it. So did the Ex. Yes, looks fade, I get that. But just because you love each other and have been together a while, doesn't mean that you should stop doing everything you can to keep yourself attractive to your mate. Oh, and this goes for Guys too! There are certain things you can't control (baldness, sickness, etc), but the things that you CAN control (weight, dress, attitude, etc) you SHOULD. I may love you for who you are, but when this started, you had an awesome style and weighed 150lbs. Now you wear sweats all the time and you're 250. There's a problem there.

Back to the story...

So today was her last day. When I showed up, she called me over and handed me a card. I made some joking remark about getting a card and that I LOVE getting cards. Just wanted to make her laugh. I didn't open it until I got back to my office. She wrote a really sweet note about us only knowing each other fr a short time, but that it's been great and that this isn't the end. She wants me to come visit her in NYC (something she's said more than a few times). She included her e-mail and Phone number. I smiled. I'm NOT going to read anything into this.

At the end of the day, I had to blow out to git my hair did. I dropped my bag at the elevator and walked over to her desk. She came over and kissed my cheek and gave me a hug. A long one. One that I went to break and she just held on. She whispered that she wants me to come visit in NYC and that we're GOING to keep in touch. We broke, but I held onto her. Told her that; Of course, I'm going to visit. We hugged again, very tight and very long. She finally pulled back and it looked like she was about to cry. I quickly ran my thumb over her cheek and said "No crying...this isn't goodbye." She said "I know."

I walked away, grabbed my stuff, hit the elevator button and told her to call me once she gets settled so that I have all her vital info. She nodded her head.

*Ding*

I smiled one last smile at her, walked into the elevator, hit my floor, and the doors closed.

And I finally breathed.

(insert dramatic flourish here)

I'm NOT going to read anything into this.

At last that's what I keep telling myself...I'm just not sure if I believe myself.

But I go back to the title of this post: WTF is wrong with me? Why didn't I do this sooner? Think of how much time has been wasted.

Then again...Things happen the way they do for a reason.

B