It's time for a change

I can't do this anymore. I'm so fucking unhappy.

I look at myself in the mirror everyday and I realize I'm letting myself down. My lifestyle change (not diet) has fallen to shit. I'm letting too many things interfere with what I need to be doing. I'm losing focus on a daily basis.

I ask myself "Why, after everything you've done, are you still lonely?"

One word: Fear.

I wrote about this before...but it's sinking in now.

I'm always afraid to take the next step. I make excuses. Then I bitch and whine and complain about it. I'm tired of feeling like shit. I'm tired being emotionally run-down. I'm just plain tired.

It's nearly 2am as I'm writing this. I should have been in bed hours ago, but I went to a company dinner. I drank, but did not get drunk. I ate, but was not full. I laughed, but didn't feel like it was funny.

I have to stop asking questions. Sometimes, things. just. are.

The one woman I care very deeply for does not return that. I want to know why. But the answer is simple...because: she doesn't.

I ask why I make stupid decisions about what I eat and the things I do. The answer is simple: Because I allow myself to. I've lost the disipline and desire I once had. Mainly because I haven't gotten what I wanted out of doing it.

It's kinda like driving across country because you think it will be "an experience." When you do it, at the end, you realize "Well...that was a fucking waste of my time. Where's my epiphany?"

Maybe that was the wrong method. Maybe it was the first step in along journey. Or maybe, you're just too proud (or stupid) to see it.

It's time to take responsibility for what I've done. I crushed the last smoke I had in my pack on the way home. I don't want anymore. I will tomorrow...but I can't allow myself to fall into that trap.

I ate cheesecake tonight. It was delicious. Soooo good. Halfway through, my brain said: Hey dumbass, you're full. But I didn't stop. I kept eating. It was sooooo good. Then when I was done, I felt over-full and felt some shame for eating what I did. On the metro home, I kept looking at myself in the glass reflection. I kept thinking about what a fat son-of-a-bitch I am. How I'm letting myself down. How I will never get to the point of happiness if I continue down this path.

So, now, I'm going to map out a few things, publicly, that I will force myself to live up to:

1. No more smoking. Period.
2. By Labor Day 2005, I will be down to 235lbs.
3. I will finish this god damn divorce by Dec 31st, 2005
4. I will move closer to work by Labor Day, 2005 (20-25 miles)
5. I will conquer my fear of simple Male/Female interaction and be okay with it when I make mistakes.
6. I will learn from those mistakes.
7. Buy a new car on my own.
8. Buy a house or condo on my own.
9. Find a happy place where I can decompress.
10. Have sex.

Ten things. They seem easy as I'm writing it. It's easier said than done.

But I'm going to make myself a reminder. Something that when I see myself in the morning, I will remember what I feel right now. If I don't, I will go through tomorrow and the next day, and this moment will be an after thought.

It's a simple fear, that I did before, but I'm scared to do now.

I'm going to shave my head.

I've got butterflies in my stomach. I'm really scared. But it's time to conquer that.

Either that or it's the Cheesecake.

b