Insanity

I sit down to write this and I think to myself: I don't want to write anything.

Things just get worse. I feel like I'm disconnecting more and more everyday from the people around me.

There's a part of me that keeps saying "It's them...THEY are the ones who are changing, not you!" But reality tells me that if I see everyone else changing and I feel that I'm staying the same...it's probably the exact opposite.

There are days when I'm just ANGRY. Angry for no apparent reason. Or one little thing will piss me off. Days when I can have fun with everyone and then seconds later, shut all of it down.

I have a female friend (always a woman, right?), who, I'm positive, is mind-fucking with me. Saying little things here and there that might lead me to think she's headed down one path, but leaving juuuuust enough leeway there to bail at any moment and leave me holding the "I dunno why you would think I was going there" rod in my hand. Even my friend G, is worried that this girl is gonna use me up and hurt me.

And I keep saying that I'm keeping my defenses up...that she and I are just friends, nothing more. And I do believe that. Mostly. I discussed the whole thing (G concerned that I will be hurt) with my workout buddy, and he says "She obviously means enough to you that you're even bringing it up. You obviously care about her...maybe more than you're willing to admit." And he's probably right.

Yet, to look at her, to talk to her, to know things about her...I know she's trouble.

And I know, that with all the weird emotional things that I've been feeling the past couple of months, and how completely unstable I feel in my own mind, that I should probably just walk away from this girl. That I should just walk away from alot of things.

But walking away will only cover up the problems temporarily.

ugh. I'm going to see two different Therapists next week. To see which one I might like the best. I can't even begin to tell you how much I need it. Someone needs to help put me back on track. Put me back to those das where I felt good and happy almost EVERYDAY. Not the once or twice a week (or less) that I feel it now.

Fuck. Sometimes I just wish I could live in a bubble. Where I don't know how anything I do affects anyone and all I care about is my own simple stupid joy.

You're watching a man break.

Karma

So since it's been forever since I posted anything...lots of things in my life changed. And lots stayed the same.

I almost died from having my wisdom teeth removed. That was fun.

I've gone out on a couple dates with women from an online dating service.

I had a major job offer that I turned down.

And Karma never ceases to amaze me.

I'm constantly surprised at how often I've been recently thinking about how certain actions I'm taking are Karma-fucking myself.

Karma-fuck: When your negative actions cause Karma to bring negative back on you.

I even recently said to G, after she made a semi-harsh comment on a co-worker that we believe will be getting the axe, that when I participate, I worry that I'm Karma-fucking myself and that I think I need to back off that...cuz I wouldn't want someone to be doing that to me behind my back. She agreed and kinda felt the same way.

I mean, if I'm honest here...I don't wanna see bad shit happen to anyone. We're all human, we all have emotions, and hearts, and feelings. And when you cultivate that negative energy, I don't think it goes away. And I think you become an easy target for it down the road. On the flip side, I know that growth can be painful at times. And sometimes you have to break the dying leaves off the plant for new ones to grow. It's harsh, but true.

I also believe that some of the most devastating situations can make you a much better person than you ever imagined...If you're willing to see it and learn from it.

And there comes a time, when if you are willing to see things clearly, the road you will soon be traveling on (your future), is easily in sight.

All you need is patience, positive energy, and the willingness to believe that all things happen for a reason.

B

Some surveys are total BS

One of my friends sent me a stupid survey. Occasionally, I get in the mood to take them.

I took "What Does Your Candy Heart Say?"

The results:

Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"

You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone. A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people Your flirting style: 100% natural What turns you off: serious relationship talks Why you're hot: you're totally addicting

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

What abosolute Bullshit.

I rarely ever have a "Hot Date" though I don't always try to meet them.

I can be charming at times...but "High Demand"? Hardly.

Multiple dates on Valentine's Day? Maybe.

If my flirting style is 100% natural, it's news to me. I have to work at flirting. I also have to work at not looking like a weird creepy guy when I do it.

Serious relationship talks CAN turn me off. At this point in my life at least.

I'm Hot because I'm addicting? I don't see any Bagger Anonymous groups anywhere...

Jeezus surveys are dumb.

Of course, I'm dumber for taking the damn thing.

B

More MySpace Fun!

Wow...she responded to my weird ass diatribe.

I love it ! u r great lol , u put a smile on my face for the day ! u seem like a really cool person! I love people that can make me laugh;) My suhi spot of choice is T****** Best ! So what area r u in? What do u like to do in your spare time ?

C

Ok, granted, when I'm on IM, I don't always spell things out completely. But in e-mails, I almost always do. It worries me slightly when a 26 y/o female writes "r u" instead of "are you"...but then, I could just be heading down that path of Old Fogeydom. Get those damn kids off my lawn!

Soooo anyway...I decided to see how far I can take this. I responded with this:

Funny... I AM a really cool person...despite what was said about me on Drudge Report. _Always_ announce yourself when hunting Quail...That way you don't get shot in the face with buckshot.

Whew...stretching now.

I'm in ********* now. For about 9 months, I was making that trek from ****** to ******...Absolutely killer. 100 miles. Roundtrip. A day. And after a while, you genuinely expect a response when you yell "MOVE YER GOD DAMN CAR!!!" I knew I needed to move closer to work.

In my spare time, I like to hunt Wild Boar and do free-form woodworking. Every once in a while, I have to take a shift of entering this tedious code into a computer every hundred or so minutes and spend the rest of the time just hanging out in the hatch...

Wait, that's not me...That's Locke on "Lost."

I'm a work-a-holic, so if I'm not doing that, I'm out with friends or at home trying to relax. I've been wanting to lace back up my skates for a while now, but it just hasn't felt like Winter. Until this past weekend.

What about you? How do you fill the minutes in between listening to bitchy patients and taking orders from doctors who drive better cars than you (pure assumption there)?

Also, I saw that you're a Bi. Is that real? Or is that a crafty little way to get attention from boys who think they're studly enough to take on two women when in reality, they barely know how to satisfy themselves? ***

Random thought: Does anyone ACTUALLY watch Skating with Celebrities? Is Bruce Jenner's income REALLY that low? Is it sad that I know that Bruce Jenner is on that show?

Well...Fantastical.

b

Ok...any normal person should read that and think "Holy shit, what is this guy on?" and ignore me. We'll see if there's any kind of response.

B

*** She seriously lists herself as Bi. Most guys would be all over that. Not me. I ain't into the Bi/Gay game (not that there's anything wrong with that). But I truly believe that most women who are "Bi" are just truly attention whores and know that by saying that they are, and occasionally making out with a chick, and if they're REALLY drunk, having some fantastic finger fun, they'll get a ton more attention from guys who might normally never pay them any mind.

And you wonder why I don't get dates?

See...I'm one of three things with women...

a) Over-zealous
b) A squishable lug
c) Pertrified

So often times, I can completely screw up any chace with a girl within the first 20 seconds by some of the stupid shit that comes out my mouf. Here's a perfect example.

Randomly, I got a message from this girl on MySpace:

Hey i just wanted to say hi ! i browsing around and your profile caught my eye:) U r really cute ;) Your daughter is beautiful too ! Ok well if u have time get back to me ... Have a Good weekend

~C~

She's not bad looking...kinda cute. Though there's a few pics on her page that made me go "yipes." Out of 10, she's a 5.5. With the potential to be a 6.5 on good days.

But what the hell...a new friend is a new friend...and a date is a date (if you can get it...it's always good practise).

So I decided to write back...

And that's where things go horribly wrong. Before I say anything else, here's my reply to her:

Thank you for the compliment about my girlie. She's the coolest ever and so beautiful...of course, every parent thinks their kid is the prettiest. And we all know that in some cases, that just ain't true. I've always wondered what parents of ugly kids say...Is it: "My Junior is so...ummm...full of personality...and other things"?

Hey there random thought. Thanks for coming out tonight.

I see you're in N******...over there behind The A*****. Used to live in that area. Right at the corner of ****** blvd and ********. That area is really nice. There's no other point to these couple of sentences other than to show I read your profile and to make that weird connection that some people do when they don't know a whole lot about each other so it's like idle conversation. But without speaking. Unless you say the words as you type. Then that's awkward.

I read you like Sushi. Where do you go for good stuff? I used to hit this place in ****** called Sushi ****. The BEST Sushi on the planet. Er, maybe that's too much. I haven't exactly visited every sushi place on the planet. I'm sure they have better sushi in Japan. Them being Japanese and all. Ahhhhh Sooooooo.

Too much? I went to far with that one.

I'll bet when you first typed a note to me, you never expected this kind of response.

Happy Presidents Day!

b

See what I mean? This girl will have one of three responses:

a) Find me charmingly witty
b) Say "Weirdo" outloud, then wonder where there's no decent guys left.
c) Delete her MySpace account in complete fear.

I need smooth classes. No, I need practise. Spend time, see what works, what doesn't work. Maybe take a hammer to the head to knock loose all the stupid stuff in my noggin that makes me...umm...stupid...and stuff.

B